how to stop basing your worth on male attention
I have an ex-friend who loves male attention.
It’s to a point where she can’t go a week without some level of overtly bragging about her accomplishments or play arguing with the boys in our group chat.
It’s been like this since we graduated and is one of many reasons we’re not friends today.
I won’t spend the whole article bashing her because I, too, have fallen victim to craving male attention, especially in my single girl era.
As women, we love to be complimented by someone we’re attracted to, hate feeling ignored or unwanted and absolutely need attention.
It gets complicated, though, when we put too much weight into what men want, care about, look for, etc.
Receiving male attention is nice validation, but don’t let it influence your decisions or mindset. And it absolutely shouldn't determine your self worth and value.
Male validation is so fleeting and sometimes comes with a hidden motive. And when it doesn’t, sure it’s nice. But be careful not to get too used to it or crave it because then you get to a point where you need it to feel okay and good about yourself.
Here’s how to stop basing self worth on attention from men:
keep your thoughts men free
Men do not have to live in your head rent free. I try to remind myself to stop letting them have so much control over my thoughts because they tend to take over sometimes.
It’s hard to completely stop thinking about that species, especially the ones that you have history with. But it’s possible to lessen those thoughts and take back some control.
Two things that really get me is daydreaming about men before bed and stalking them on social media.
Try setting boundaries with your time and your thoughts, when it comes to men. Try having little check ins with yourself.
If you’re finding yourself thinking about men too much or weighing your worth because of them, definitely set some limits for yourself.
come up with other measures of self worth
Another strategy we can try is coming up and listing other measures of self worth outside of men.
There’s more in life than just dating and relationships, and there are countless things that can and should be more likely to determine your self worth.
Some examples of things that can contribute to your self worth:
Your career and things you’ve accomplished in the workplace (though be careful not to tie your self worth directly to productivity)
Personal achievements that you are proud of in your life
Experiences and your personal journey can reinforce your resilience and contribute to a higher self worth
Your friendships and family. You can find value and worth by positively contributing to other people’s lives
Self love: loving the way you look, dress, act, etc. can contribute to a more positive self worth
It takes time and practice to be at a place where you want to be when it comes to self worth.
You can take small steps, such as working on self acceptance, challenging negative thoughts and using affirmations for self worth for a daily reminder.
read more: rewiring your mindset for self worth
journal prompts for decentering male attention
In what ways have I made men the center of my attention?
What do I lose when I center men in my self worth?
What would my life look like if I put my goals, needs, and joy at the center instead?
How do I behave differently when I want to be chosen by a man? How do I want to behave instead?
What do I gain when I shift my focus from men to myself?
In what ways have I downplayed my achievements to make a man feel comfortable?
What role models do I have who live fulfilling lives without centering men?
What parts of my identity have I hidden or softened for the sake of a man’s comfort?
What affirmations can I create that keep me centered on me?
Read more journal prompts here.
focus on your friends while out – not men
When I’m going out with my friends to a rooftop bar, a club, a lounge, etc., we tend to think about boys and hope that someone cute will buy us a drink or get our number.
And then on the other side, my friends who are in relationships tend to want to go out less and associate being out and having fun as something taken, committed people can’t do.
Why do we do that? We can have fun in the club or out late with our friends without centering it around men and their actions. I also feel like once you stop looking at getting men to pay for you as a win, and you paying as a loss, is when we really start breaking this mold.
I love and want men to have me covered when I go out. But at the same time, there’s this relief and lightness that comes with handling yourself and not expecting anything.
It takes off the stress, and more importantly decenters these men from your life in a financial and social standpoint.
A guy hitting on you while out is so fun and flirty, but having nights where you just focus on your friends without thinking or entertaining men is a way to let go of craving male attention.
It also limits the feeling of worthlessness or unattractiveness that sometimes comes when you don’t end up receiving male attention.
