how to stop fantasizing about a future with him
I want to start by saying I blame Wattpad fanfiction and 2000s romcoms for my delusion when it comes to dating and relationships.
They sold me a dream at a young age, and I fell for it hard. So of course I was left confused when the reality of dating turned out to be nothing like I expected.
Dating in this generation is filled with people who ghost, play games, make false promises and leave you with endless disappointment.
But the lover girl in me (and maybe you too) still wants the perfect guy to act right and be different from the rest. The inner lover girl always seems to want someone to prove that real love exists.
And that’s where the fantasies start.
Do you ever see someone with rose colored glasses during the early dating phase? Do you gloss over the mini red flags when it seems like they have other good qualities? Do you fantasize about them even when they haven't done anything special?
If so, you may be the type to fantasize about a potential romantic partner and build up scenarios of a perfect future with them. You may focus on their good qualities and dream up an ideal relationship with them.
Sometimes that leads to constant thoughts and unrealistic thinking patterns, but it also could just be fun and girly.
When you do get to a point where you can’t get someone off your mind, it can feel overwhelming, confusing and scary not knowing how they feel about you though.
Stop fantasizing a future with someone by recognizing unhealthy signs, avoid building scenarios in your head and overcoming romantic obsession.
how to overcome obsession and stop building scenarios in your head about him
When this person is constantly running through your mind, try to remind yourself to stop letting them have so much control over your thoughts because you have a life to live too. They’re going about their day, and you should too.
It’s hard to completely stop thinking about someone, especially the ones that you have history with. But it’s possible to lessen those thoughts and take back some control.
You could also try setting some time limits for yourself. Allow yourself free time to think about the person and evaluate the situation for a certain amount of time (for example: 20 minutes before bed), then decide it’s time to change your thoughts.
It allows healthy boundaries for when you feel you’re focusing too much on romantic connections and can’t stop thinking about him.
If you’re wondering how to stop building scenarios in your head about him, have a healthy balance of reality.
So when you find yourself building scenarios and making up unrealistic fantasies in your head, try to spend as much time reminding yourself of your current situation without being mean or harsh to yourself.
You can gently remind yourself that this person is just a crush, or that they’ve hurt or disrespected you in the past. You can remind yourself of what real love should feel like.
Ask yourself and really be honest about if this is truly who brings out the best in you and if this person makes you feel comfortable to fall in love with.
additional content: what it’s like to be addicted to someone: a lover girl's perspective
So is fantasizing about others healthy?
I’m not a professional, but I think it’s a normal and healthy part of life to romanticize someone in your head and fantasize about a future with them.
Everyone does it with someone they like, so give yourself grace, and don’t think you’re weird or obsessive (although it can cross a line).
When it crosses that line, there are signs so you’ll know when it’s getting to an unhealthy place.
Verywell Mind said thinking and fantasizing about someone can be normal and pleasant, unless it’s linked to a deeper mental health issue, causes disruptions in your life or includes some troubling signs.
They list signs such as your thoughts about the person becoming intrusive and unwanted, stalking them online or in person, making repeated attempts to contact the person even if they told you to stop, and taking steps to harm yourself or the other person.
Personally, I find myself crossing the line when I do these things:
Ignoring red flags that I know will come back to hurt me
Continuing to talk to someone I fantasized about, when I know we could never date
Running back to someone or breaking no contact after we ended things
Stalking their social media and/or location if I have it
additional content: what to do if you like him more than he likes you
how limerence makes you fall in love with potential
Dating in my tweens, teens and early 20s could be described in one word: limerence.
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense obsession, fixation and attachment to another person,” according to Cleveland Clinic. “These intense feelings, which are not returned, often stem from unresolved relationships or unrequited love.”
I’ve had so much unrequited love in my lifetime (unfortunately), so I know what it feels like to want someone who doesn’t want you back.
But I also (fortunately) have experienced mutual love once, so I know what that feels like as well.
The difference is astonishing. I love a good crush, and I love feeling hopeful about a situation. But I know how easy it is for me to fall into the trap of thinking things are going better than they are.
Cleveland Clinic said insecure attachment styles, trauma, low self-esteem and excessive social media use can all contribute to making you more vulnerable to limerence.
They bring up a good point, and I want you to be mindful to avoid stalking them on social media.
It’s very tempting to want to know their every move online, see if there’s other girls they could be entertaining or wonder if their posts have a secret meaning related to you.
It’ll only drive you crazy and lead you to overanalyze things that could be meaningless. On the other hand, you could successfully stalk and find information that you needed to know.
But if you find yourself constantly checking their social media on a daily basis or wondering about them every hour, you know it’s time to take a step back.
