what to tell people instead of “just think positive”
Thinking positive has the potential to change your mindset for the better. But it’s not helpful to be told to “just think positive” to fix all your problems because some of our issues are deeper than that.
Some people have real depression, anxiety and other mental health challenges that aren’t simply fixed by positive thinking, and constantly hearing that can feel demeaning.
Being told to “snap out of it,” “everything will be fine,” “look on the bright side,” etc. isn’t always helpful.
Most of the time people have good intentions, but it doesn’t make their comments feel less hurtful and shameful.
Of course, you want more than anything in the world to release your negative thoughts and feel better. But it’s rarely ever that simple.
So here’s what to keep in mind and what to tell people around you when they’re dealing with a hard time, negative thoughts, mental health struggles, etc. that isn’t “just think positive.”
when positive thinking doesn’t work
Positive thinking and positive affirmations truly are transformational when it comes to negative thoughts because they stop harsh thinking in their tracks and reinforces your great qualities and abilities.
But it can be hard to keep positive thinking going, especially when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts. It can be exhausting to constantly fight unwelcome thoughts and replace them with positive ones.
“The truth is that it’s natural and healthy to experience a range of feelings, including less pleasant ones such as disappointment, sadness or guilt. While there’s no question that dwelling on negative emotions can turn toxic, whitewashing your insecurities with positive thinking is merely a temporary fix,” according to PsychCentral.
PsychCentral added unreasonably optimistic thinking can trigger a “self-defeating spiral,” and repeating positive self-statements can backfire for those who lack confidence.
There are also natural moments of sadness and negative emotions that people go through in life. It’s not fair to rob people of their natural response to things that happen in life because it makes it impossible to heal and move on.
If you’re constantly “just thinking positive” when you’re faced with heartbreak, illness, depression, tough days, anxiety, etc, how are you supposed to properly process and heal?
“Negative thoughts or emotions can be appropriate when bad things happen, and it would be problematic to experience positive or neutral thoughts or emotions during tragedies or bad times,” wrote Dan Prendergast, M.A. from the Albert Ellis Institute.
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move through the negative thoughts to get through them
My old therapist used to tell me to let the negative thoughts come and go freely. Acknowledge they are there, but try not to linger on them.
If you’re obsessed with trying to replace negative thinking by thinking positively, you’re putting more focus on the negative thoughts inadvertently.
Let negative thoughts move freely through your brain, and encourage people around you to do the same when it seems they’re going on a tangent. No one wants to be interrupted or chastised during a vent session.
They’re being vulnerable and trusting you with the negative thoughts they’re having. Let them process through them naturally out loud. If you hear something concerning, you should definitely use your best judgement to respond.
But sometimes people just need a listening ear and a nonjudgmental friend in the moment.
Instead of telling someone to get over it or dismissing them, let them know you’ll be there to process any bad feelings they’re having with them.
Listen to their feelings, even if you can’t fully understand or relate. Tell them that you’ll always be there for them. Tell them you want to understand, and ask follow up questions that don’t seem like you’re questioning or interrogating them.
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don’t minimize their emotions & feelings
When someone is opening up to you about their problems, troubles, negative thoughts, etc., don’t interrupt by telling them to think positive.
Don’t make them feel like everything will be solved by this one simple fix that they must not have thought of yet. The truth is they’ve probably tried everything, and a lot of the time they’re not looking for advice.
A lot of the time you just want a shoulder to cry on, or for someone to listen and understand how awful a situation is.
Tell them that their feelings are valid and real. Let them know that it’s not something to take lightly, and encourage them to explore when these negative thoughts or worst symptoms come up.
Explain some of your emotions and feelings if they relate to theirs, without minimizing their own feelings.
It can be controversial to express your own problems because you don’t want to take the attention away from them or seem like you’re insinuating that everyone has their own problems and theirs isn’t significant.
But on the other hand, I like to chime in sometimes when it’s fitting because I want them to know I can relate on a smaller scale to what they’re saying, and they shouldn’t feel alone in their struggles.
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