what to remember when someone chooses someone else over you
Embarrassingly, multiple guys have told me they didn’t want to date me, just for them to be in a relationship months later.
It leaves a girl confused and, frankly, kind of lost. What does she have that I don’t? Why would you choose her over me? What should or shouldn’t I have done? And simply, why wasn’t I enough for you?
I’ve had times where I had trouble leaving boys alone (shame on my early/mid 20s & up until a few months ago!)
But enough disrespect, and higher levels of self respect, will teach you when to leave a man alone.
However, leaving a man doesn’t always stop the pain. There’s the process of healing and the curiosity about what they’re up to or who they’re dating.
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
― Maya Angelou
keep reading more quotes about never being anyone's first choice.
Now, to make matters worse, I’m a serial stalker. Unfortunately, I love seeing what a previous man is up to.
I’ve worked on it, and I am better at limiting my Instagram and TikTok searches of them. But it doesn't mean I’m perfect.
Along with stalking comes seeing things you don’t want to see, such as a new girl. And that may be one of the worst things you can discover while seeing what they’ve been up to.
Once you find a girl, it’s downhill from there. The thoughts, the comparison, the stalking, the unbearable sorrow and confusion.
Someone choosing someone else over you sucks, but remember to not fall for the what ifs, try to change or compare yourself, or think it’s a reflection of you.
don’t fall into the what ifs
Be so, so careful of the what ifs!
What if he breaks up with her?
What if he comes to his senses and realizes that I’m the one?
What if he breaks her heart like he broke mine?
What if he’s making a huge mistake, and I need to let him know?
What if he realizes how much of a loss I am?
There’s sooo many what ifs.
And let me warn you: the what ifs aren’t helpful. They keep you in your head and allow you to avoid fully letting them go.
Stop thinking this person will change because they won’t. If you’re not someone’s first choice, don’t try to convince them otherwise.
I wish I wouldn’t have begged other people for love. Maybe if I had more romantic experience in my life, self respect and trust at the time, I’d have been better at letting people go.
But then again, there’s me falling into the what ifs. Accept that things are changing, and take the reality for what it is. The situation doesn’t need to be seen with rose-colored glasses.
read more on this topic: how to navigate not being someone’s first choice
it’s not a reflection of you
Please, please, PLEASE don’t overthink your own qualities and why they chose someone over you. It’s not a reflection of you!
And even if it is about you, do you want to be with someone that doesn’t see you as the best person in the world?
“It doesn’t take an intellectual to figure out how unwanted you are. I feel the most challenging part is bearing just how someone holds so much power in their hands to make you feel as small and trivial as they possibly can.”
― Elelwani Anita Ravhuhali
Okay, I’ll give you some tea. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you remember my experience with a boy I posted several months ago.
TLDR version: He was the first boy I’ve ever loved and repeatedly told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I was stupid and ignored him. We were on and off casually dating for 2 years. He got into a relationship last year. Okay all caught up!
But guess what? They broke up, and he still has the same nonchalant feelings about her and dating women in general.
(And don’t ask me how I know this info, but also don’t worry because I’m not involved with him.)
In other words, I wasn’t the whole problem. God was blessing me by allowing me to avoid this man.
I couldn’t handle the emotions and being cheated on in my first relationship, so I was grateful to avoid him all together. And he was the problem all along.
Remember it’s not a reflection of you, and you will be redirected to your right person.
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always someone better than the last
When it feels like you have no other options or that this person is the best that it’s ever going to get, I want you to remember that there’s other, better options.
It may not be easy to find “the one” or even someone better than the last one immediately, but be patient and be open minded. Never rush to find the perfect person either.
Don’t let this person who chose someone else make you believe they’re the best thing to ever happen to you either. Don’t let someone make you think you’ll never do better than them.
Remember who you are, get up and be open to finding someone better.
“If you feel unwanted or unappreciated where you are or by those you're with, it only means you're in the wrong place or with the wrong people. Hang in there. Someone else will see you for the true gift you are.”
― LK Hunsaker
As soon as I start talking to someone new who I’m starting to like or see potential in, I’m always like “what was I thinking? This is so great, and everything is going to be perfect.” (yes, I’m delusional.)
But my point is, things always look worse when you’re in it. Be open to moving on from this person who’s shown you, very disrespectfully, just how much they don’t want you.
counteract the comparison with confidence & self love exercises
So here’s the thing: you’re going to want to compare yourself to this woman (or man!) the person you wanted to be with chose over you.
It’s human nature, and it’s a completely impossible situation to feel good in.
When I was in college and dealing with a different boy (granted he had been in a relationship with the girl so I get it & I didn’t actually want to date him), I had some of the worst confidence issues I’ve had in my life.
I was constantly comparing myself to the girl. Coupled up with some other issues I was dealing with, I was really down bad on a daily basis.
My therapist at the time was so used to me bringing up the boy and his girlfriend during our sessions (poor woman!)
To combat potential low levels of self esteem and confidence, I recommend being kinder to yourself, telling yourself affirmations to improve confidence and self worth, embracing insecurities and setting realistic personal and physical goals.
“We all choose to receive love and joy at the level of our self-love and self-esteem. So love yourself a little harder and life will get a lot better.”
— Karen Salmansohn
While people change things about themselves all the time and that’s okay. Be open to embracing the “trouble spots.”
That’s when you start growing in self esteem and realize that you’re perfect the way you are and start ignoring inner criticism.
read more on this topic: how to build self esteem and confidence
don’t try to change yourself
It’s a normal reaction to think you need to switch up your appearance or personality or social media, etc. to deal with someone choosing someone else.
I love revenge pics and doing rebrands when I’m hurt. In my head, they’re going to see everything they’re missing and regret every choice they’ve made leading up to this.
It makes me feel good, and it only sometimes works in my favor. But it does come with sad feelings and a realization that I’m in the same place at the end of the day.
If someone has put it in your head that you aren’t worthy of their love or that you need to change core values about yourself or your looks in order to deserve their love, please don’t listen to them.
We all have things that we want to improve about ourselves. And that’s more than okay. I have flaws just like anyone else because I’m human.
But no one’s perfect, and no one should make you feel like they’re so much better than you. If someone chose someone else over you, don’t try to decipher the small things that can be a reason for it.
And you can not change yourself to look or be like who they chose. They chose them for a reason, and it’s not fair to yourself to change who you are to please someone you’re not meant to be with.
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