dealing with friends who constantly compare themselves to you

Have you ever had a friend who constantly compares themselves to you? Or have been jealous of you?

It’s uncomfortable. And it’s such a weird dynamic and situation. I love my friends and think they’re so hot, funny, intelligent and amazing human beings. So it sucks when they don’t fully see that themselves. 

I’ve had a friend who’s told me multiple times in different forms: “you always get all the guys when we go out.” 

What am I even supposed to say after that? What’s the correct response to that? Do I apologize? Do I downplay the situation? 

I hate to say it — I really do, but I feel like these reactions come from a place of insecurity and jealousy. I just feel like we should be uplifting each other as friends. It makes me feel bad because I hate making my friend feel like I’m someone that she compares herself to or someone that she feels jealous of. 

Maybe it’s because I don’t get jealous of my friends (often). Or if I did, it’s something fleeting and I move on because I’m happy for them. But with something like getting guys, it’s just so dumb to me. Never would I ever let a guy make me feel some type of way about my friends. 

It just feels like I can’t share things that I want to. Just the other day, some guy that’s well known liked my Instagram story. And while it’s not a big deal for someone to like your story and I’m not the type to brag, I wanted to share that with my friends because it was tea coming from this particular person. 

But I just kept it to myself because she was just complaining about someone not liking her story, and I didn’t want to be insensitive. So there’s a fine line between being insensitive and being honest. But at the same time, I feel like I wouldn't be able to share that kind of information anyway because I don’t want to create jealous thoughts. 

There’s also a big level of humbleness that I want to touch on. Because I hate expressing how I feel about people comparing themselves to me because I just feel so conceited and awful sometimes. I like to be humble and never want to brag on myself, but it feels so wrong to downplay my achievements, looks and anything positive about myself just to make other people feel better about themselves. 

You have to find a balance between shutting down the comparisons and also acknowledging that you are a person with many really good qualities. 

When it comes to dealing with friends who constantly compare themselves to you, try not to get upset or defensive, express your feelings about the comparisons and acknowledge their emotions while still speaking up for yourself. 

try not to get upset or defensive

Sometimes I get upset when my friends compare themselves to me because it’s upsetting. And it leads me to defend myself, which in turn sometimes makes me talk down on myself. Maybe to level the playing field or as a “see, I’m not that great.”

In the example of getting guys while we're out, the couple times that’s happened, I’ve been dismissive and brought up the times my friend gets guys too. 

But in a recent time, I kind of got upset. (For background, she was saying a man on the street was looking at me when he wasn’t!) Normally, I’ll try to acknowledge the situation and understand where she’s coming from. But that case wasn’t even true. And I think I just blew up after suppressing my feelings (may have had a couple drinks as well.) 

I encourage you to try not to get upset with your friends, but I do think it’s important not to bottle up your feelings because how you feel about the situation is just as important. Which brings me to my next point!

express your feelings 

If you feel negatively about your friend constantly comparing herself to you, it’s okay to speak up and express your own feelings. 

What you could say when your friend is comparing themselves to you:

• “Hey, it makes me feel some type of way when you’re saying things that compare yourself to me.”

• “I feel uncomfortable when you put yourself down and uplift me because I think you’re great too and I have my own insecurities.”

• “I don’t want us to feel like we’re in a competition with each other because you’re my friend, and I want the best for both of us.”

• “That’s unfair to say about me because I don’t feel the same and I don't want you to compare yourself to an unreal version of me.”

acknowledge their emotions 

How they’re feeling about the situation and about you is how they’re feeling, and you can’t change that. If you care about this person, listen and hear them out if they’re willing to talk about it. 

But at the same time, you don’t have to validate all of their feelings and emotions. It’s okay to disagree or feel upset that it feels like there’s an unspoken competition between you both. 

I mentioned earlier to try not to get upset and be defensive toward them, but I think you have every right for your feelings to be hurt or to have negative emotions about the situation. 

You can acknowledge their feelings and still call them out at the same time. 

how to stop comparing yourself to your friends 

Now if you’re the one that’s constantly comparing yourself to your friends, I want to give some advice because it’s hard to feel that way and I imagine you’re not doing it on purpose.

I’ve learned how to stop comparing myself to others by focusing on what I like about myself, following people who share similar body types and eliminating triggers.

There’s a reason “me vs me” has been my phone wallpaper for years. It’s because everything in my life is a competition with myself. I never want to compare, contrast, be jealous or feel like I’m in a competition with other people, especially women. 

At the end of the day, try to remember that your competition is with yourself. There are so many factors (genetics,environment, etc.) that can make others completely different from you. Don’t focus on what you’re lacking or what others have. 

read more: quotes to help you stop comparing yourself to others

read more: tips to stop comparing your body and looks to others