the battle between insecurities and self sabotage while dating
My insecurities make me want to crash out all the time, and unfortunately, I can tend to get very insecure while in the early stages of dating.
This often leads me to feel like messing up a situation with someone that’s going well if I feel doubts or don’t feel like someone likes me enough. Or I’ll tend to overthink and talk myself into seeing red flags that aren’t there, doubting their words and actions, and dismissing their efforts.
It’s a vicious cycle because I want a healthy relationship but my doubts and insecurities make it hard sometimes.
self sabotaging while dating
Self sabotaging in the early stages of dating is when you let fears, past trauma, insecurities, etc. prevent you from being vulnerable and accepting the good things and fresh experiences that could come out of a new relationship with someone.
It’s extremely scary to start having feelings for someone new, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. I’ve avoided new situations like the plague because I don’t want to get hurt again, but I also realize I’ve probably missed out on a lot of genuine opportunities because of self sabotaging.
“Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas,” according to Very Well Mind. “Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way.”
While it does limit my ability to move forward and meet new people, it feels like I’m protecting my heart and feels safe. We love feeling safe and in control. But what are we missing out on while we’re in our comfy shells?
Certified Counselor Georgina Sturmer said self sabotaging comes up in different ways for people, such as an internal critical voice or a set of emotions.
“For other people, it’s a visceral response. And some people are not even aware of what they are doing to themselves. It leads to actions, decisions, and thoughts that block us from feeling comfortable, content, or confident. It feeds insecurities and compounds feelings of low self-esteem,” she told Medical News Today.
read more: how to navigate not being someone’s first choice
read more: we’re too hard on ourselves.
having a light guard up
Try not to let your fears and insecurities block you from finding someone you like and nourishing that connection. Be brave enough to allow love in. I’m not always saying it’s going to work out. In fact, most of my talking stages don’t amount to anything meaningful. But that’s okay.
Sometimes I try to balance self sabotaging with “being aware” and having a light guard up. When I say a light guard, I mean keeping your heart protected, but letting in some light. You’re not all the way closed off, but you’re trying to be open in a healthy way.
Not everyone deserves your attention or time. Not everyone deserves for you to be open to finding love with them. And you don't owe anyone anything. But you do deserve to be happy, and I encourage you to do and take whatever path leads you to that.
read more: becoming more self aware.
don’t let insecurities lead your love life
Insecurities can be a bitch. Don’t let them ruin your love life or any good things going for you. If you’re noticing that they are, try to acknowledge them and deal with them accordingly. Sometimes your inner thoughts protect you against bad things happening, but other times they create problems and cause bad things to happen.
It is possible to improve your self esteem and confidence, so that you’re able to have a healthy dating life with controllable experiences. We all have flaws. We all have insecurities. There’s no escaping them. But we really have to embrace them if we want to be a more confident person.
Try to work on self acceptance by appreciating what you don’t like and change your thoughts around certain parts of you that aren’t your favorite. That’s when you start growing in self esteem and realize that you’re perfect the way you are and start ignoring criticism or bullies.
Who you surround yourself with, the friends you have, the relationships you keep, the family dynamic, is also very important. Don’t put yourself in settings where people are putting you down, feel jealous of you and show it, point out your flaws or insecurities or just don’t have your best interest at heart.
read more: how to build self esteem and confidence
read more: affirmations to improve your self confidence & self worth
be open and honest
If this person you’re dating is someone you see a future with, be open and honest about your feelings.
Whether you feel the need to self sabotage because of trauma, insecurities or something else, explain that so that you’re on the same page.
It helps your partner understand your tendencies or habits that may come across as disinterest or distancing yourself. Instead of chalking it up to you not liking them, your partner may have more patience and compassion when you are self sabotaging.
