how to set clear boundaries with men

Apr 13

Written By S

I hate men. Have I already mentioned that before? They like to test their limits of what you will allow and how much they can get away with. Unfortunately, I’ve fallen victim to their ways wayyy too many times. I’ve set boundaries and have had men break them down because they can be so convincing and have a way with words sometimes.

But as I like to say, everything in life is a lesson. Let’s turn a new leaf by creating AND sticking with clearer, stronger boundaries.

Maybe we can commit to sticking with our boundaries together this time?

what are boundaries

Boundaries are physical and emotional limits you set with yourself or with other people to limit actions that you allow in your life. Learning to set clear boundaries is important for improving self worth and standing up for yourself.

There are different ways for how to set boundaries with people, which I will dive further in soon. But I want you to remember that setting boundaries within your relationships and with yourself is normal and a part of life. Don’t feel like it’s a bad or scary thing.

We all should keep boundaries in place, so we don’t accept the bare minimum or allow people to walk all over us. I’ve had this one man (who will be the end of me, I swear) tell me that I change my mind so much when I cut him off, he knows telling me he misses me will make me act on it, and that I’m always back cool with him after we fallout.

If you just gasped at that or frowned in disgust, yes I know.

types of boundaries

There are endless types of boundaries. I think the different types of boundaries depend on you and what you need to set a boundary for.

PsychCentral says there are broadly seven different types of main boundaries, including physical, sexual, emotional & mental, spiritual & religious, financial, time and negotiable boundaries.

For our purposes today, let’s focus on physical, emotional and sexual boundaries in a relationship.

how to set healthy boundaries in relationships

Alrighty, we’re getting to the heavy stuff. Healthy boundaries in relationships are important! Here’s different ways to set them:

physical boundaries

Men are so touchy feely, especially when they’re in the wrong and want you to hug all up on them. I don’t want to touch you. I don’t want to be around you. I don’t want to feel your presence at all when I’m upset.

Your personal space is yours. It doesn’t belong to anyone, not even your partner. Don’t feel bad for setting up physical boundaries, which may look like communicating that you don’t want to be touched, you don’t want to lay in the same bed or maybe you don’t even want to be in their physical presence at all.

Remember, you don’t owe anyone your space. It’s a reward and an honor to be in your physical presence. Don’t forget that.

examples of healthy physical boundaries

“Don’t get in my space after we have an argument. I need to be alone for a little while I cool down.”
“I don’t like it when you come around without asking. Let me know ahead of time if you want to stop by and see me.”
“I don’t want you to touch me right now. I’m just not in a touching mood.”
“As much as I’d love to hang out with you tonight, Sundays are reserved for dinners with my family.”
“I’m not a huge PDA person. Can we not hold hands or kiss while we’re out in public?”

emotional boundaries

When it comes to emotional boundaries, it can be hard to communicate or convince yourself of why you’re putting the boundary in place at all because it comes from your feelings and heart.

I’d recommend you listen to your gut and don’t convince yourself that it’s “lame” or that you’re being too “emotional” by sticking up for yourself and communicating effectively what you will and won’t allow.

examples of healthy emotional boundaries

“You’re hurting my feelings when you speak to me like that, so I’m not going to talk to you when you get like this.”
“You’re not respecting my time and energy, so I don’t think this is going to work out.”
“I’m having a bad day, so I’m going to respond less when texting, but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”
“You are showing signs of not trusting me by looking through my phone and constantly questioning me about things I didn’t do. We need to work on that because this behavior isn’t working for me.”
“It makes me feel bad when you ignore me or don’t communicate with me in my time of need, so I’m going to need a little distance.”
“I don’t feel okay with crying in front of you.”
“I don’t want you to text, flirt or hang out intimately with other girls, especially if you used to date or hook up with them, because it makes me uncomfortable.”

sexual boundaries

This one is more straightforward (but not easy). If someone is doing something sexually that makes you uncomfortable, speak up please. Do not let them take advantage of you, convince you of something you’re not okay with or do anything inappropriate to you.

Communicate if you’re not feeling comfortable in the bedroom (or elsewhere), and set up boundaries so you understand each other. And if they don’t respect that, you really should leave them. I don’t play about sexual assault/harassment/etc. and just because this person is your lover, you're in a relationship or any kind of situation, doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want.

examples of healthy sexual boundaries

“I actually felt uncomfortable when we did that one position. Can we not do that again?”
“I feel like you’re only talking to me when you’re horny or it’s late at night. Let’s talk during the day and keep it more clean from now on.”
“I don’t like you leaving or being on your phone right after. Can we cuddle from now on?”
“If we’re going to try crazy, new things in the bedroom, I’d like for us to talk about it before.”