how growing up without any romantic connections gave me trauma

It’s fair to say we all want to be loved.

Whether it’s romantic, or whether it comes from family and friendships, we crave the feeling of connection and mutual love.

So much of my college years and early twenties post-grad were defined by feelings of confusion and low self esteem due to lack of romantic love growing up.

Thoughts constantly flooded my mind of how I could possibly not have a man, who truly valued who I am beyond body parts and looks.

I could barely fathom the thoughts of what having a boyfriend would realistically be like in high school and college.

I daydreamed of what it would feel like to walk down the hallway hand in hand with a boy in high school. I envisioned taking the love of my life to visit my grandparent’s house and meet my family in college.

I pictured all the couple poses we’d recreate that I would see on Pinterest: the halloween costumes, matching holiday pajamas and date night outings.

But why couldn’t the girl in those photos ever be me, just once?

Doom scrolling last week made me confront an uncomfortable truth that I’d been hoping was just in my head.

“There are a lot of young black people that they get into college, and they’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend,” Michelle Obama said during a recent podcast episode.

Mara Brock Akil goes on to say that she doesn’t think it’s healthy, to which Obama agrees.

All the trauma, confusion, loneliness and self esteem issues I’ve had over the past decade are suddenly defined as “unhealthy,” and I’m left questioning how I could let this be.

How could I let myself be so damaged from a lack of romantic love?

• I’ve learned to love myself despite not having been loved in a romantic way, though it took years and therapy. 

• I’ve learned to let men go who only love my body, though it’s a work in progress.

• I’ve learned to not need men and rely on friendships, though it hurts when I’m the only single one. 

So if I put in all this work, why do I still feel broken? Why do I feel like my life has been hindered by this “unhealthy” truth that I’ve had to deal with?

establishing limits protects your time, energy and emotional health. boundaries are a way to honor yourself, communicate clearly and maintain healthy relationships. respecting yourself starts with saying what you need ✨ #selfrespect #boundaries #selfcare #personalgrowth #healthyrelationships

your thoughts and perspectives matter. expressing your opinions with confidence honors your self respect, reinforces your boundaries and allows you to show up authentically. you don’t need permission for your voice to be heard ✨💛 #selfrespect #confidencebuilding #authenticvoice #personalgrowth #selfworth

you can share your thoughts and feelings clearly while staying composed and kind. expressing yourself with confidence and grace strengthens your self respect, reinforces your boundaries and allows you to communicate authentically 🕊️ #selfrespect #confidencebuilding #authenticvoice #personalgrowth #healthycommunication

you don’t have to fit into molds or live by others’ expectations. embracing your authenticity is brave, freeing and magnetic. your unique light is meant to shine exactly as it is #authenticself #selflovejourney #personalgrowth #innerconfidence #mentalwellness selfacceptance ✨🌻

every time you speak, you influence and inspire. using your voice intentionally allows you to express your truth, stand for yourself, and impact others without fear. your thoughts and feelings deserve to be heard and respected 🤍🌿 #selfexpression #confidence #selfrespect #authenticvoice #personalgrowth

you’re becoming someone you once needed. every choice, every lesson, and every challenge is shaping the person who can now give yourself the love and support you once longed for #selfgrowth #healingjourney #selflove #personaldevelopment #innerstrength 💖🌿

learn to release control and quiet your inner critic. these prompts guide you to reflect, reframe, and find freedom from the pressure of being perfect 🌸 #perfectionismrecovery #journalingpractice #selflovejourney #mindsetshift #selfgrowth

self love is beautiful. when you honor your needs, set boundaries and celebrate your growth, you create a life that feels full, free and truly yours ✨ #selflovejourney #innergrowth #mentalwellness #selfcare #personalgrowth selfacceptance

I’m discovering what it means to feel comfortable and at peace in my own skin. journaling and reflection can help me nurture self acceptance and build a deeper connection with myself 🌿✨ #selflovejourney #selfgrowth #journalingpractice #mindsetshift #emotionalwellness

it’s okay to start again as many times as you need. setting limits is necessary for your peace and well-being. the clearer you are with your boundaries, the more others understand how to treat you 🌸🔥 #selflove #healthyboundaries #respectyourself #mentalwellness #personalgrowth

I hate to admit that Michelle Obama is right, that my coping mechanisms have felt unhealthy: the drinking, isolating, crying multiple days in a row. My lowest moments have truly been scary and make me shutter when I think about them.

No girl in the world should feel like that. And society shouldn’t push us to the brink of thinking that it’s our fault.

And beyond that, the feelings can be so lonely and isolating. 95% of my friends have had boyfriends, and so they just don’t get what it’s like.

It’s so harrowing to not be able to explain the traumatic experiences I’ve had and why my experiences feel so amplified because I don’t know what true, healthy love looks like.

Maybe I could’ve avoided the pain from my last situationship, if I knew what a relationship was actually supposed to be like.

Perhaps I could’ve healed faster from those who rejected me after texting for a few days or going on a few dates, if I knew how to take it less personally and not immediately think I’m the problem.

Or what if I was more successful at dating and talking to guys, if I wasn’t so desperate and stressed about proving to myself that someone could actually love me.

To the girls who went through their late teens and twenties, and beyond, questioning your worth because of a lack of romantic love and experience, you are not the problem.

There are so many factors that have made it impossible for you to find “the one” at a young age.

Whether it’s lack of diversity, environmental factors, family restrictions, being from a small town, or things you may not even know about, the universe is protecting you from being with the wrong one.

I know that it doesn’t stop the tears and worrying, especially as we, as women, deal with a biological clock and societal pressures.

But I don’t want you to feel alone or think that you’re the only person who doesn’t have someone to love and cherish.