how to handle guilt after saying no

Saying “no” is a part of life, though it makes people uncomfortable to disappoint or let others down. 

We’ve all been in a position where we’ve had to put our needs or priorities first and upset someone else in the process. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but it’s crucial to get adjusted to sitting in that feeling. 

There will be plenty moments in your life where: 

• Someone’s invitation doesn’t fit in your schedule.

• You don’t have enough money to spend on someone.

• You don’t want to go out with someone. 

• Other people are pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do. 

• You don’t want to try something someone offered. 

• Etc.!

And you absolutely should feel free to speak up for yourself when you don’t want to do something. It may be in situations like those, or it may be something unique to your life. 

When I do say no and speak up for myself, I feel a great sense of guilt sometimes because I know I’ve disappointed or let someone down.

And I want to be there for everyone around me, but I also know that that’s not always possible.

Offer an explanation or reasoning, but don’t overexplain. 

If I’m saying “no” to something, I usually have a good reason for it. (And it’s okay if you don’t!)

I’ll try to explain my reasoning to the person I’m saying “no” to, so that they may understand where I’m coming from or agree with why I felt the need to decline. 

If they’re understanding to my reasoning, it definitely eases my guilt because it feels like they’re aligned with my decision and reinforces that they won’t be mad. 

But it’s also important to note that not everyone will be understanding and nice about it. You may have those who don’t care or don’t agree with your decision. This may even lead to a further argument or disagreement. 

It still comforts me knowing that I am standing in my truth and offering an explanation that I didn’t have to include. 

It makes me feel a little better, and it’s telling that the ones that I want to offer an explanation to are the ones that I care about and value most.

But be careful with overexplaining. That could lead you to seeming unsure or nervous about saying “no,” and it could even lead you to overexplaining yourself to a “yes” without realizing it. 

additional content: a people pleasers’ guide to standing up for yourself

Remind yourself of your why, and don’t minimize it. 

Too often, I feel like I’ve been “mean” or not understanding of someone because of my “no.”

I feel like it wasn’t that big of a deal, and I could’ve just gone to the party or completed a task for someone. 

I mean, how bad could it really have been, right? 

Wrong! 

That mindset will always lead to guilt. Perhaps, saying “yes” wouldn’t have been so bad. But that doesn’t mean you know that for certain, and it minimizes your decision in the first place. 

Stand strong on why you didn’t want to, or didn’t feel comfortable, going through with what someone else wanted.

There’s a reason you said “no,” and it’s unfair to yourself to backtrack or overthink yourself out of your choice. 

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Suggest an alternative if you’re interested.

Timing, place, people involved, etc. could all be an issue that results in you wanting to say “no” to someone. Don’t be afraid to suggest an alternative time, place, etc. that you’d be more likely to say “yes” to. 

For example, if my friend is inviting me to a happy hour event, but I have to stay late to work that day, or I have a pilates class at that time, I’ll feel empowered to suggest a different time. 

Or if someone’s inviting me to a party or event that people I’m not fond of are attending, I might suggest a one-on-one hangout instead.

Offering an alternative suggests you’re still interested and want to go the extra mile of initiating another possibility that will work out. 

I love when my friends explain that they can’t make something or show up for me but offer something else in return. It makes me feel important in their lives and like they still want to see me. 

additional content: things you should absolutely stop apologizing for

Declining is better than ignoring. 

Something that I have witnessed that I’m not fond of are people who just won’t respond in a group chat or group setting when I invite them somewhere. 

Don’t ghost your friends. Tell them, even if it’s separately/one-on-one, that you won’t make it. 

Saying “no” is always better than not responding or acknowledging the invitation. An answer is polite, even if it’s not the one they’re hoping for. 

Even in the case of dating, there may be times when you don’t want to go on a date or continue seeing someone.

Try your best to be open and honest. Say “no” or give your reasoning on ending things instead of ghosting them.

I hate being ghosted (can you tell being ignored is one of my biggest pet peeves?). And I’m a big fan of letting people know, even if it hurts their feelings.