why having it all doesn’t shield you from tough times

The career. The love of my life. Kids and a white picket fence. I want it all.

And as a woman, I feel like I’m constantly chasing those things. I have a job that I like most days, and I recently started dating a man that I love. 

I, unfortunately, used to feel like having someone to love would fix my problems and my mental health.

Once I got into a relationship, my mindset shifted. Now, I feel like I’m behind in the race for life and need to get married and on to the next step, then maybe I’ll be truly happy.

It’s a dangerous mindset because I’m not sure I’ll ever fully win. I’ll never fully be satisfied chasing “having it all.”

It’s also difficult witnessing everyone’s lives progress quicker. I constantly feel like I’m not as successful or grown as others.

Sometimes I even feel like it’s my fault for where I am in life. But those thoughts aren’t productive or necessarily true.

Trusting the timing of your life takes self love to appreciate where you are in your journey, and it takes self compassion to give yourself grace for what you haven’t achieved yet.

But it also takes self awareness to realize you’re wasting years chasing what isn’t meant to be, and you’re wasting time thinking having those things will fix you. 

read related: how to trust the timing in your life

“I don’t think anyone can have it all. Who would want it? Having it all sounds like a lot of maintenance. Life is about priorities and choices, not just ones externally imposed on us as women, but ones we are able to define for ourselves.”

– Ilyse Hogue

As a woman nearing her late 20s, I’ve heard ‘you have to make sacrifices,’ ‘you can have it all if you work overtime,’ ‘you need help to have it all,’ ‘it’s impossible in this society’ etc. 

Everyone has their own take on what having it all means and the feasibility of achieving it. I’m constantly dreaming of having it all, but one thing I make sure to include in my routine is rest and breaks. 

Whether I’m intentionally recognizing when I overbook myself, or whether I’m so burnt out that I’m forced to let rest choose me. 

“Having it all is the worst. No matter how much we all have and how grateful we are for what we have, no one has it all, because we all make tradeoffs every single day, every single minute.”

– Sheryl Sandberg

It’s okay to not be completely on top of it all when faced with tasks. Take a break (or several) if you need them.

Having small, tangible steps that are coupled with breaks can make things feel more tangible.

Take the breaks, and take advantage of the slow moments. Remember that you’re human, and you’re meant to enjoy this lifetime too.

You’re meant to enjoy the present, and you shouldn’t let the uncomfortable progress of trying to have it all bring you misery. 

“You can’t have it all at once. Over my lifespan, I think I have had it all. But in different periods of time, things were rough.”

– Ruth Bader Ginsburg

additional content: it’s okay to rest and still have ambition

If you get to a place where you “have it all,” it doesn’t shield the bad moments too. I feel like I’m paralyzed by the thoughts that things will be better, and I’ll feel complete and full when I have everything in life.

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.” ― Elizabeth Edwards

The problem with that is your circumstances and what you want will constantly evolve.

Your dreams and what you identify as success at 30 will be different when you’re 50. There most likely won’t be a threshold where you realize you have everything you want for the rest of your life.

There will be highs and lows. There will be tough days and bad times. None of us are shielded from it. Of course, there are different levels of struggles, and some people face more hardships.  

“Resilience is the virtue that enables people to move through hardship and become better. No one escapes pain, fear, and suffering. Yet from pain can come wisdom, from fear can come courage, from suffering can come strength – if we have the virtue of resilience.”

― Eric Greitens