art of detachment: here’s how to detach from someone quickly
I’m an obsessive bitch.
I will crash out if I’m being ignored. I will triple text and triple call you if I know you’re not answering on purpose.
If I’m dating you, I feel like I can hit you up whenever, and I enjoy that access. I love to give that access back as well. I like to keep each other updated, but I’m not clingy.
So when a relationship ends, it’s offputting to me to just give up that access to each other and not speak. We were so attached and always with each other, so detachment is difficult to switch on at the drop of a hat.
But nonetheless, it’s required in some instances to get over someone, deal with an ending friendship, process someone not being in your life anymore, etc.
Detachment requires cutting off communication, limiting fantasies and false hope, knowing your worth and incentivizing your growth.
cut off communication
Talking to someone you’re trying to detach from is counterproductive. We all have those cravings where we want to talk to someone we miss, even if they’ve hurt us. It’s human nature that’s difficult to bypass.
There have been a lot of moments recently where I’ve been so close to reaching out to this person, but I’ve used tools (no contact reminders, inspirational TikTok videos, etc.) to reel me back in.
No contact is when you cut off all communication with someone, including in person convos, texts, calls, social media, etc., to help get over them after a breakup or when you need distance to help you heal.
Implementing no contact is a great way to detach from someone because it limits emotions resurfacing, creates healthy distance to heal and sets boundaries between you and the person you’re detaching from.
“It was my letting go that gave me a better hold.”
It also allows you to move on without worrying about if they’ll reach out to you and removes the temptation to reach out to them.
Something I’ve done in extreme cases is deleting all of their text messages, call logs and every mention of their number in my phone. Then I’ll delete their contact all together.
If I don’t have access to their number at all, I don’t have to worry about breaking no contact. It relaxes my nervous system and lets me avoid the annoying temptations.
incentivize the process
Detachment is such a scary word. It sounds so serious and overwhelming. I like to rebrand it as choosing yourself or showing self respect.
It doesn’t have to be a process where you’re miserable and struggling every day to not think about them. While the first week after a breakup, I’m constantly crying and unable to think clearly, things slowly start to come into focus and I start to gather my dignity again.
I can start realistically showing up for my future self and keeping her in mind when I make decisions. I can start planning my rebrand and what I’ll look like going into the next few months.
Once I detach from this person, my head will feel clearer and less traumatized. I look forward to that detachment, and everyday feels a little better than the last.
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”
When you’re stuck in the slog of slowly removing someone from your life and thoughts, it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel and the positives.
Try to incentivize the process and remember how close you are to feeling better.
Maybe that looks like getting yourself a sweet treat or a gift at the end of 30 days of no contact. I’m a big fan of buying a treat for myself (for example, a get-over-that-man bag), to encourage myself to leave them alone or to have something to reward me if (when) I do.
follow on socials.
limit fantasies and false hope
I think we all fantasize about someone getting their act together, so that they can be in our lives again, and everything can go back to what it once was.
It’s a fantasy, and it makes our heart feel a little hope, so that everything doesn’t hurt for a little while. Or at least until we come crashing down from the temporary high.
“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.”
Fantasies and living in the what ifs keep you stuck. They don’t allow you to see the reality of the situation, which can make decision making and closure difficult.
Be selective of the thoughts you allow in your mind, and don’t give yourself unnecessary false hope that can come back and haunt you.
self worth is your biggest weapon
The reason you have to detach from someone (breakup, friendship fallout, family problems, etc.) can contribute to a negative outlook on life and your own self. One of the best ways to successfully detach from someone is to constantly remember your self worth.
You have self respect, and you HAVE to remember that in every decision. That has led me to not reach out during no contact, stand my ground, choose myself, etc.
You want to be able to feel confident that you’ll choose yourself no matter what, and the gateway to that confidence is knowing your worth and acting like it.
“If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.”
Unfortunately, detachment when you’re in love can make you question your worth and possibly make you feel unlovable.
When you feel your self worth dipping due to a breakup or having to detach from someone, come up with other measures of self worth outside of men.
There’s more in life than just dating and relationships, and there are countless things that can and should be more likely to determine your self worth.
Some examples of things that can contribute to your self worth:
Your career and things you’ve accomplished in the workplace
Personal achievements that you are proud of in your life
Your friendships and family. You can find value and worth by positively contributing to other people’s lives
Self love: loving the way you look, dress, act, etc. can contribute to a more positive self worth
It takes time and practice to be at a place where you want to be when it comes to self worth. You can take small steps, such as working on self acceptance by appreciating the little things.
