the first week after a breakup
Waking up: This might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Waking up the morning after someone breaks your heart is so gut wrenching and cruel.
You feel like dying. I felt like my world was ending, and I didn’t see how I could move on. I was in so much denial. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t want to believe this was happening. Part of me still doesn’t believe it happened.
But I cried, and I encourage you to cry.
First 24 hours
I cried like a baby every 10-30 minutes. Cry every time you feel like it. And it will feel like it all the time. I cried in my bed. I couldn’t walk without breaking down, so I cried sitting on my bedroom floor.
I cried in the shower. I cried laying face down on my kitchen floor for a while. I cried on the toilet. I cried A LOT on my couch.
I didn’t tell anyone what happened because I was in so much shock, I had delusional hope that it wasn’t the end, and I was just so damn embarrassed. How could I not see it coming? I was so blindsided that I didn’t know how to explain myself.
I wanted to protect him and didn’t want to hear bad things from people who didn’t understand. But even I didn’t understand.
So what should you do?
Cry your heart out, girl. Choose what you think is best for you, whether it’s isolating and allowing yourself to feel every moment, or whether it’s being surrounded by friends and loved ones who can help you get through every moment.
additional content: the first 24 hours after a breakup
First 48 hours
I crashed out. I sent so many texts, and I called a good amount of times. He didn’t answer any of the calls (besides the night of), but he answered some of the texts.
I would say poor guy for having to deal with my crashouts, but they were warranted and he knew who he was dating. And you broke my heart, so you will hear from me.
Unfortunately, I begged (please, don’t beg). I begged and pleaded for him to let me in to his emotions and feelings.
For context: he broke up with me because he said he was dealing with a lot of mental and emotional struggles and didn’t want them to negatively impact me or our relationship. He said he’d been masking it for a little while, and it would only get worse if he didn’t take space.
If anyone knows how to correctly take that or respond to that, let me know. But in the moment (and for the next 56ish hours), I wanted to be there for him sooo bad. I wanted him to trust me.
One of the things that haunts me is him telling me it was private/personal, when I asked for what specifically he was going through, when we broke up.
I was supposed to be someone he trusted most in the world, or so I thought. In my lowest moments, I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms and to let him in, even when I was scared.
So how could he not feel the same? I’m trying not to overthink that, but how could I not?
I did take a shower for the first time, since the break up, in these 48 hours. I cried, but I felt clean. And for every little moment that I take for granted in a normal routine, I was proud of myself for getting through it during this very tough breakup.
I also went to UPS and sent back a box of his stuff, clothes I borrowed and things I was going to give him for Christmas. I was going insane with the thought of his stuff being in my place. It would make me break down thinking about it.
The toughest part was seeing his Christmas gift, knowing things were supposed to go so differently.
And the part I’m not the proudest of, but I don’t think I regret, is I drank a good amount. I got a boxed wine (which I haven’t gotten since being underage in college). I got it delivered to my place the first day after the breakup.
There’s not much I can say. I don’t condone unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I felt like I needed it at this time.
additional content: how the hell do you process being broken up with suddenly?
So what should you do?
Take it minute by minute until you can take it hour by hour. And maybe at some point, you can start taking it day by day.
Don’t beat yourself up for texting or calling them. It’s inhumane to immediately be over things as soon as you’re broken up with. It’s basically impossible. So give yourself grace, and take note of how they respond and the level of kindness they give you.
But also don’t expect to talk them into getting back together. In the back of my mind, I knew it didn’t feel good to chase. I knew it wouldn’t be the same, even if he did agree to get back together.
Brush your teeth when you can. Take a shower when you can. Drink water when you can. Don’t rush the small things, but be proud of yourself when you do them.
It’s hard to get out of bed. It’s even harder to leave the house. It’s even harder to talk to others. Be as kind to yourself as you can muster.
And do what you can to feel better. I can’t tell you what that is. But you know what will help lean into that. I hope it’s healthy. But I’d be a hypocrite if I told you I was perfect and went by the book. Give yourself a few days to rot and be a mess, then think about if you can start getting yourself back together.
First 72 hours
It became real. I told my parents, which I was scared of most. I didn’t tell my friends yet, but I knew that was also coming.
It was just so scary because he just met my mom a few weeks ago around Thanksgiving. How could you know how important and sensitive meeting my mom and sister was and just leave?
My parents knew how big of a deal he was because it’s my first boyfriend, and it’s the first boy I’ve mentioned to them in my 26 years of living. It hurts knowing how excited some of my family was, and it hurts knowing how much of my extended family knew I was dating him.
It makes me never want to tell my family, or anyone, who I’m dating again. I’ll have to be practically married next time. But it’s still so fresh, and maybe my mindset will change.
I also implemented no contact. I got this no contact app, and it has a tracker of how long it’s been. It lets me journal notes, fill out icks for him, has guides on staying strong, etc. My mental health is really relying on no contact and this app working because I can’t break no contact again.
I know it’s important to create space, I mean I’ve written about no contact so much and how much it helps. It’s just very hard starting and keeping strong.
Clearly my love life is so sad and pathetic that I’ve had to implement no contact more times than I want to admit. But I’ve never done no contact with an actual ex. (And currently trying not to cry after typing ex.)
There’s something so refreshing about time and distance away after having your heart obliterated. Your mind can start thinking more clearly, and maybe I’ll start healing. I’m looking forward to that, and I think the hope in that is what’s keeping me going.
Also, I just don’t think he deserves to ever hear from me again. You broke my heart so easily and effortlessly, and I want my final act of love to be never hearing from me again. And at the very least, to never be the one to reach out again.
So what should you do?
Go no contact. Know I’m in it and struggling with you. There’s so many resources I’ve given you, so there’s no excuse. We can and will get through this moment in time. They don’t deserve your presence, so take it away.
Also, start accepting it if you haven’t. It hurts so badly, trust me I know. But denial only prolongs the pain and hurt. I spent the first couple days hoping and begging for things not to end, so of course I can’t start healing in that mindset.
Again, be kind to yourself. Focus on the little things, and create a game plan for making it through.
additional content: unpopular opinion: why isolation is okay after a break up
First full week
Every day is different. One of the worst parts is you’ll be totally fine for a couple hours than paralyzed in bed for a couple hours. Sometimes you start your day thinking you’re going to be okay that day, until you’re crying 45 minutes later and trying to do anything you can to fight the urge to text them.
I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown. I got so overwhelmed (due to him and other additional situations and problems), and I let it get to me. It was the first time in my life I really chose flight, in a fight vs flight situation. I made some irrational decisions unrelated to him, which affected the people around me and made me look crazy.
So other than that crashout, I was proud of myself for not texting him or involving him in any way. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to reach out so badly on Christmas and the day after.
I was also pretty hurt he didn’t wish me a Merry Christmas. (And he left one of my last messages to him I sent days ago, wishing him a Merry Christmas and New Year’s, on delivered.)
But I made it a full week since the breakup. So I guess it’s really real now. And honestly, this week, and especially the last couple days, taught me I can’t be with him even if I wanted to, for my sake and his.
It’ll be a full week tomorrow since I started no contact, and I’m excited to be proud of myself for that. I wish he’d reach out every single day, but I look forward to the day I don’t want to hear from him.
additional content: affirmations to get you through being broken up with
So what should you do?
Try to remind yourself to think rationally. It’s hard and painful. You want to crash out and do something crazy every day, or hour, and it’s a constant battle to remind yourself what you’re fighting for (yourself and your self respect).
You deserve to find someone who doesn’t give up on you, who loves you unconditionally and who wouldn’t do anything to lose you.
You deserve someone who wants to communicate with you, who includes you in his life and who shows up consistently for you.
Never forget your value in this rough time. If there’s one thing that will keep you going, it’s your self worth and value.
