the first 24 hours after a breakup

The first 24 hours after a breakup feel like hell. A boxed wine, gummies and allowing myself to crash out almost every time I feel like it have been the only things to get me through it.

I am crying every 10-30 minutes. And I’m not even a crier. 

I wish I saw it coming. I wish I was able to help. But sometimes things are out of your control, no matter how much you plead and beg.

And I pleaded and begged, like a baby. I crashed out and, honestly, embarrassed myself so much. But it was all worth it for the chance, in that moment, that he would choose me and still want to be with me.

God, I just wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to stay and say, like in a movie, that he would do whatever it takes to keep me, even if it’s ugly, even if it was tough to get through.

I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to let me in and trust me to know what he’s struggling with. I wanted him to want to be with me and allow me by his side while he faces his toughest mental struggles. 

But I don't always get what I want. 

Still I’m left wondering if the past six months meant anything to him. I’m left wondering when the exact moment was that he chose to end things. I’m wondering what I did to deserve this. Was this all a lie?

I don’t know why or how I could be so dumb to let someone in and feel things I’ve never felt for someone. I’m wondering how he could take this all for granted and leave so easily, so effortlessly. I mean how long were you planning on leaving me? 

Still, I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to be vulnerable enough to give me a glimpse inside his emotions.

But he didn’t. And here I am, heartbroken and barely able to get up a day before our six month anniversary and less than a week before Christmas. 

I love him, but I know that I have to let him go. I know I have to accept he’s choosing himself and deciding I’m not worth being in his life.

So I give him space. I give him time. I give him distance. I give him the last of my trust because I know these feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life.