how to stop overexplaining yourself
Do you feel like you’re constantly explaining a decision or thought you had?
Do you feel like you have to overexplain yourself to get someone to be on the same page?
Do you feel anxious if someone doesn’t fully understand or agree with you or something you said?
If so, you’re in the right place. Feeling misunderstood can make anyone feel crazy, but sometimes it’s better to let someone not “get you” than to go even crazier trying to make them understand you.
Not everyone is going to agree with you, and constantly wanting to feel understood can easily make you fall into people pleasing ways.
Maybe you feel like you have to explain yourself further out of fear of rejection, abandonment or judgment.
To stop overexplaining yourself, calm your anxiety around everyday decisions, make your actions louder than your words and practice leaving things at “no.”
Overexplaining can feel so good because if someone is understanding my reasoning, it eases my paranoia or guilt. And it feels like this person is aligned with my decision, while reinforcing that they won’t be mad.
But not everyone will be on the same page as you. Some people won’t care or agree with your decision. What you say may lead to an argument or disagreement if you don’t overexplain.
But these are all normal things that happen in life, and you won’t always be able to avoid conflict for the rest of your life.
It should comfort you knowing that you are standing in your truth and beliefs.
calming anxiety around ordinary decisions
Making ordinary decisions, such as not feeling like going out tonight, not wanting to wear a certain shirt, etc., doesn’t always need an explanation.
If you feel anxiety about how the everyday choices you make will be perceived by other people, think about the role this person (or people) has in your life. Contemplate why their reaction is playing heavy on your mind.
To calm your anxiety, try to get more comfortable with them not always being thrilled with you. Remind yourself that any perceived criticism or judgement says more about them than it does about you.
The JADE pattern (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) can trigger overexplaining, according to Annie Wright, LMFT. Wright writes that JADE is a fawn response that makes you over-justify ordinary decisions to get ahead of criticism.
“JADE is an acronym describing a pattern of communication where someone feels compelled to justify their decisions or feelings, argue to convince others of their point, defend themselves against perceived criticism, and explain their actions or choices in excessive detail,” Wright wrote.
She continued, “While often well-intentioned, JADE reflects underlying fears around rejection, conflict, or invalidation and can inadvertently undermine confidence and personal limits.”
practice saying no and leaving it there
Your nos don’t always need an explanation.
Overexplaining after saying “no” could lead you to seeming unsure or nervous about your decision. It could even lead you to overexplaining yourself to a “yes” without realizing it.
Practice allowing the “no” to breathe. You put up a boundary, made a decision or stood up for yourself for whatever reason. Not everyone needs to know that reason if you don’t want them to.
Obviously use discretion because sometimes you really should explain your decision. But there is a thin line between explaining out of respect and overexplaining out of discomfort.
There’s a reason you said “no,” and it’s unfair to yourself to backtrack or overthink yourself out of your choice.
read related content: how to handle guilt after saying no
make your actions louder than your words
What you do or don’t do is way more important than what you say you’re going to do or not do.
And I think this is specifically important for boundaries.
For example, you can explain that you won’t sleep with someone too soon, explain why you want to wait and talk about any trauma you’ve had that makes you think this way.
Or you could just not sleep with them, or say one time that you want to wait.
Oftentimes, I’ll overexplain in situations like that when I’m trying to convince myself. I hope that if I say it enough, it’ll become the truth, or I’ll feel less anxious that they’ll talk me out of my boundaries.
But true boundaries don’t need overexplaining. Let your actions speak louder than anything you could say, and practice your boundaries enough to the point where you’re not nervous about folding.
