dealing with questions, doubts and distance in a relationship

Last night, I was plagued by the ghost of insomnia. It comes to haunt me randomly, and its weapon of choice is always endless rumination.

I try so hard to move past negative thoughts and questions of the future, but sometimes it’s extra hard to shake them when I have nothing else to do or think. 

Lying in bed or my couch, in the dark, trying to force myself to sleep, count to 100 or distract myself on my phone almost never works. I’m left defenseless with my mind and overthinking.

My thoughts last night were centered around if the man in my life has shifted his feelings toward me and if his sudden distance means he wants to end things. 

I mean why else would he not want to see me over the weekend, when we’ve spent most weekends together since we met?

The only times we’ve spent apart are for trips, work or family time. So when he says he needs a weekend to stay home, what am I supposed to think?

Better yet, when he travels out of his way to see his friend, but doesn’t add 10 minutes to his very long journey to stop by and see me, how am I supposed to take that?

I know distance is healthy, and I know that he needs his personal time away from me. I just didn’t think I’d take it so personally when the time did arrive. And I feel like I can’t express my feelings to him because I feel selfish and needy.

I want him to focus on priorities in his life, like catching up on work, gym time, cleaning up and whatever he needs to do in his personal life. I just can’t shake the what ifs and wondering of underlying issues.

My goodness, how do people who have trust issues succeed in relationships? I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I trust him 90% of the time.

Is that enough? Are the 10% of doubts and overthinking enough to complicate things? Is it enough to be detrimental?

I want to be the chill girlfriend and say “of course babe, take this weekend and do whatever.” Even more than that, I want to be the chill girlfriend who believes that and goes about her life knowing everything’s okay.

It could be because I’m so fresh into this, and I have to learn how to suppress my anxious attachment style. But there’s a part of me that likes being on my toes and confrontational when I need to be.

There’s a part of me that secretly and dumbly thinks it’ll protect me against being cheated on or hurt in the future. 

follow for more self love

I’m not perfect, and I know that. I know that I have insecurities, overthinking problems and trust issues. But I also know that I can’t let them overpower me and ruin relationships I have in my life. 

This is where I attempt to use the self love I have for myself to redirect me to sanity and distract me from self destructing.

And what do I mean by that? In those low moments, remind yourself of what’s important. (The answer is your happiness and wellbeing.)

If the worst happens to me, I know that I’ll be alright. I’ve made it through some of the worst moments emotionally, though it may have taken a lot of time. 

I know that I won’t stay with someone who would cheat on me because I have the necessary self worth, and I’ve seen the aftermath of those who do end up in those situations. 

I know that I won’t stick around while someone repeatedly shows me they don’t want me because I’ve, unfortunately, experienced what that’s like. I know when it’s happening, and I know how to get out of that situation. 

I know that things are nearing the end, if I am constantly questioning or confronting someone about my fears or feelings that they truly don’t like me (and I don’t mean the cute but annoying thing us girls do when we ask them if they still like us. I mean the honest confrontation.)

I know that if I feel they aren’t giving me enough attention or time, I need to do more solo activities and fill my own time. I’m clearly not doing enough to satisfy my boredom and need to focus on myself. 

It can just feel hard to remember all these things, and it can be hard when you’re feeling sad and want someone to try harder. You’re worth more than how some boy, or girl, is making you feel.

Recenter your doubts, fears, questions and overthinking to the reality that you will be more than fine no matter what happens. The self love you have should outweigh any thing that pops up.