how to stop assuming people are mad at you & the psychology behind it
There’s almost nothing I dislike more in this world than knowing someone is mad at me. Better yet, thinking they’re mad at me might be worse.
At least if I know, I’ll have comfort in knowing the issue, or maybe be able to fix things. It may be a misunderstanding or something out of my control.
But if I don’t know, I’m left thinking of the worst and assuming this person is mad at me. I’ll overthink every single interaction and obsess over the small things I’ve done that could have set them off.
Furthermore, I’ll feel like I have to decide if I’m in the right or wrong, of this reality I created in my head by ruminating.
And unfortunately, there are times where I will even get upset by knowing (or heavily thinking) that you’re mad at me. This will only happen if I know for a fact that I did nothing wrong. Because how could you be so upset if I didn’t even do anything, right?
I know I’m not the only one out there that does this and feels like they’re always jumping to assumptions.
So to save us all the obsessing and questioning, let’s stop assuming people are mad at us.
Stop assuming people are mad at you by reaching out, considering the proof, understanding lack of attention doesn’t mean they’re mad and considering the alternatives.
Step one: Understand lack of attention doesn’t equate to them being mad.
This one’s a little tricky because I do believe if a man isn’t giving you as much attention, saying he’s busy more, hasn’t spoken to you in over 24 hours or makes you feel unwanted, he doesn’t want you.
It’s simple (but easy to overthink and bend the situation in your head to make it seem better than it is.)
But the truth sometimes that’s always the case, especially in cases outside of dating.
Sometimes folks are really just busy. I‘d be a hypocrite if I said I was the best communicator and always giving people around me my undivided attention.
The truth is I can be a really bad texter. I can go days before remembering I was supposed to call or email someone back. I can be forgetful and neglectful. But it’s never intentional, and it doesn’t mean I’m mad at you.
It would be nice to get an apology from your friend, partner, family member, etc., or even an explanation that they will be busy prior to then. But you won’t always get that.
Psychology Today says assuming people are mad at you is a common phenomenon for survivors of childhood trauma. It can be worse for people who grew up in narcissistic and abusive households where feelings were invalidated, ignored or dismissed.
“One common manifestation of this trauma is an overwhelming anxiety that others are angry with them,” they write. “In childhood, worrying that your caregivers were perhaps upset with you was an essential tool: Being able to anticipate and, thus, navigate or escape their wrath was an essential skill.”
follow on socials
Step two: Just reach out.
If it’s making you overthink and obsess, I promise it’s okay to reach out. Who cares?
I’m quick to ask a guy if they’re upset with me or inquire what’s wrong with them if the vibes are off, or if they seem upset. I’ve reached out to friends who we’ve had quietness or awkwardness between us.
The people in my life who are worth a place in it are worth a conversation.
And honestly, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with the anxiety. I’d rather get it over with and know now how you feel. I don’t want to spend days or weeks wondering. Just let me know now.
The worst that can happen is they are upset with you, or get upset with you for asking.
But if they are actually upset with you, at least you know. You guys can start to fix the problem or issue that they have, or you can defend yourself against any accusations. You can agree to end this friendship or relationship, or you can apologize and move on.
And if they do get upset with you for asking, it’s just not a good look on their end. Who wants to be cool with someone that doesn’t value honest communication?
Meden’s Health suggests suffering from anxiety, fearing conflict, being a people pleaser, having an anxious attachment style and being in a codependent relationship could impact feeling like people are constantly mad at you.
“In the end, it’s the other person’s responsibility to tell you if they’re upset with you. You can’t be expected to read minds, so stop guessing what they might be feeling and let them be in charge of themselves,” they write.
Step three: Get out your head. Look at what proof you have.
It can be hard to stop overthinking and look at the bigger picture, but it’s important to look at the reality of the situation.
Recognize what’s real and what’s not. Consider what actually happened and what you have proof for versus what you could have amplified in your head and thoughts.
Too often, I’ll create scenarios in my head or think of all the possibilities of why someone’s being weird or off with me, that I’ll forget what (or what not) they’ve actually done.
Do they hate me because they haven’t talked to me in a week after spending almost every day together? They must be tired of seeing me for that long and need a break? Maybe I should distance myself first before they express their disinterest in me? Am I really that annoying that they’re upset?
Now, look at the truth and proof you have in those thoughts: I haven’t talked to them in a week after spending almost every day together.
That’s the only true statement you know of. The rest are fillers that you want to use to make your confusion feel easier or like you have more control over the situation.
Remember to focus on the proof, and avoid the fear you can create in your head.
Step four: Consider the alternatives.
There can be several reasons why it seems this person is mad at you. Let’s explore and consider the alternatives.
Did they just get a new job or have a baby?
Are they taking a break from social media?
Could they be going through a hard time or need to isolate themselves for a little while?
Did they get into an argument or fight with someone else and hasn’t fully decompressed from that?
I don’t want you to think that you should make issues or give the benefit of the doubt when it’s not warranted, but I do think you should consider that other things could be going on.
Don’t jump to the conclusion that this person is mad at you, especially if you know that there can be reasons outside of you and your personal relationship with them that could have caused it.
Communicate how you’re feeling, and use these tips to remind yourself not to jump to assumptions when you feel someone could be mad at you.
