how to set boundaries when scared of being mean
Boundaries are important for sticking up for yourself and taking control of your life.
They are physical and emotional limits you set with yourself or with other people to limit actions that you allow in your life.
It can be scary to implement them if you’re like me: scared of being mean and likes to avoid confrontation.
But I know how important they can be, especially when someone’s been disrespectful to you or if you just want to add some structure to what you allow in your life.
Creating healthy boundaries is key to living a peaceful and centered life. Learning to set boundaries is important for improving self worth and standing up for yourself.
If you’re scared of being mean while implementing boundaries, workshop what you want to say, remind yourself of your reasons, and embrace assertiveness when necessary.
additional content: how to express your feelings when you’re scared
Workshop what you want to say beforehand
I like to write out what I want to say when I’m implementing good boundaries. If I’m doing it over text, I’ll use the notes app to type out and edit what I want to say and how I want to sound.
Sometimes I’ll even send a draft to my friends to look over before I send it. It allows me to have more control over what I want to say, but I know sometimes you won’t have that luxury because it’ll be in person.
In person is where I struggle because I tend to overthink in the moment, get lost in the person’s eyes and emotions and stumble over my words.
To combat that, I will sometimes try to practice it out loud beforehand or make a little script or notes beforehand. That helps me remember the points I want to hit on because I really do black out when having hard conversations sometimes.
Knowing what and how you want to implement your boundaries reassures you that it won’t come across mean or aggressive. It takes the pressure off you to try to stay neutral in the moment. It will eliminate that “was that too mean?” feeling after the conversation.
read more: how to set boundaries with men
Be in a calm headspace beforehand
Try to relax and prepare yourself before talking to someone about your boundaries. You don’t want to be overwhelmed or anxious.
I know what you’re thinking: it’s impossible to not be nervous when you’re calling someone out or telling them what they might not want to hear.
But it’s possible to calm your nerves by doing different comforting activities.
Maybe for you that’s doing meditation, eating a meal, exercising, talking to your friends or family, taking a nap, drinking a glass of wine, etc.
Do whatever you need to do to calm your nerves and get yourself in the right headspace before having big conversations.
Remember why you need to implement boundaries
This is one of my favorite things to do because I tend to forget or let issues die down with time. It becomes less as big of a deal to me when it’s been a while since something happened.
I like to write out in my notes app everything someone did to make me upset, disrespect me, push my limits, etc.
So that when I look back and remind myself of the reasons that I need to set boundaries, it makes it easier and confirms that I do need to proceed with a conversation.
It also ignites my fire and fuels my anger a little to combat my underlying want to be nice and forgiving.
Embrace meanness when necessary
At the end of the day, sometimes you really do have to be mean. For example:
If you’ve tried to set boundaries before but someone’s taking advantage of your niceness
If someone won’t take no for an answer
If someone disrespected you and they honestly don’t deserve your niceness
If someone tests the limits of your boundaries
Etc…
There are so many reasons that you could need to set a boundary, so don’t feel like you need to always be kind when someone doesn’t deserve it or if it’s being abused. Embrace the “meanness” if it’s necessary.
Even if it’s not necessary, being firm and aggressive in implementing your boundaries are key for letting people know you’re serious. It doesn’t have to be a bad or negative thing.
My friends tend to call me out when I’m being too nice to a boy, ex friend, coworker, etc. It’s helpful to have people in your life that know you and can help you be more aggressive in your approach when necessary.
