why unrequited love hurts so much and how to heal

Unrequited love is when you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you. It’s painful because this person doesn’t share the feelings you do. And feelings are real, raw and heavy, whether good or bad.

I have, unfortunately, experienced unrequited love a few times in my life. So much of my college years and early twenties post-grad were defined by feelings of confusion and low self esteem due to lack of romantic love. 

Thoughts constantly flooded my mind of how I could possibly not have a man, who truly valued who I am beyond body parts and looks, especially after this one experience with someone I really thought I loved.

Love that feels one sided sucks. But it’s not productive or fair to yourself to let someone’s lack of sight into how great you are define how you see yourself. It’s not fair to assume you’re unlovable or unworthy of future love. 

“The saddest thing is to be a minute to someone, when you’ve made them your eternity.” 

― Sanober Khan

Healing can be hard, and I’ve stunted my own healing by going back and thinking things would change so many times. I’ve been delusional countless times (in fact, still very much delusional at times.)

So I know how daydreaming and focusing on only the good and the potential will leave you hung up on this person. 

To heal from unrequited love, remember mutual love feels insanely different, and healing happens when you live in reality instead of hope and delusion.

mutual love feels insanely different

Love feels so different when the other person loves you back. Think about how things first felt in a previous relationship. Or how good the love feels between your best friends. Or even imagine how you think love will feel with your soul mate. 

It will definitely feel better than this. It’ll be stronger, more real and just what you deserve.

Don’t settle for this. Don’t settle for the breadcrumbs, the trauma or the unreliableness of it all.

“A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.”

― Rose Gordon

When it feels like you have no other options or that this is the best that it’s ever going to get, I want you to remember that there’s other, better options. 

It may not be easy to find “the one” or even someone better than the last immediately, but be patient and be open minded. Put your healing first, and trust that mutual love will be better than your current situation. 

And don’t let someone make you believe they’re the best thing to ever happen to you. Don’t let someone make you think you’ll never do better than them. Remember who you are, and be open to better love. 

additional content:affirmations for when you're healing from rejection

live in reality instead of hope & delusion

Delusion feels so damn good. It feels amazing to have hope and dream about everything you want in life coming true. You imagine the best outcome, and suddenly, you feel like you’re going to get your happy ending. 

When you drop out of that daydream cycle, your smile fades and heart drops. You’re sucker punched by reality, and it sucks. 

“Unrequited love does not die; it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded.” 

― Elle Newmark

It’s hard on the mind to go back and forth between hope and reality. You’re whiplashed, and it makes finding the truth harder to decipher. 

I’ve gone back and forth with a man, who I convinced myself, had strong feelings for me, despite how many times he’s told me he didn’t want a relationship with me. I couldn’t accept it because I thought his actions didn’t match his words. 

“The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.”

― Shannon L. Alder

more reading: the hot girl’s guide on bouncing back when a guy ends things

I made myself believe he just wasn’t ready because he said he “wasn’t ready.” He knew how to keep me holding on a little longer and express justtt enough affection and attention to keep me in this state. 

Break out of the cycle, and remember what the reality of the situation is. It’ll keep you sane in the long run and make it easier to heal from unrequited love. 

It’s okay to slip up and think about them sometimes, or occasionally think of the good, but don’t let it take over your judgement.

“Being in love with someone who doesn’t even know you exist isn’t the worst thing in the world. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Almost like passing in a term paper that you know sucked, but having that period of time where you haven’t gotten your grade back yet — that kind of exhale where you haven’t been rejected, although you pretty much know how it’s going to turn out.” 

― Tonya Hurley

don’t change yourself or try to make them love you

I’ve been there, so I don’t judge. But since I’ve been there, I can tell you how trying to make someone love you, or trying to turn yourself into someone you think they’ll love, will take you down a downward self esteem spiral. 

It’s a normal reaction to think you need to switch up your appearance, personality, social media, etc. to change yourself into someone you think they’ll love.

I love revenge pics and doing rebrands when I’m hurt. In my head, they’re going to see everything they’re missing and regret every choice they’ve made leading up to this. 

“Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

― Carol Rifka Brunt

It makes me feel good, and it only sometimes works in my favor. But it does come with sad feelings and a realization that I’m in the same place at the end of the day. 

And if someone has put it in your head that you aren’t worthy of their love or that you need to change core values about yourself or your looks in order to deserve their love, please don’t listen to them. 

You can not change yourself to look or be like who they’ll end up loving one day, and it’s not fair to yourself to change who you are to please someone you’re not meant to be with. 

“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand.”

― Shannon L. Alder

read more quotes about unrequited love & emotional exhaustion.