tips for when you're feeling unworthy to date
I caught myself questioning something so sad yesterday while drinking margaritas with my friend: what makes me someone that other people would want to date?
It wasn’t random. I’ve been talking to this guy for a few weeks and admitted to him that I liked him a few days ago (after he had already told me he liked me prior.) But I just hadn’t taken his words seriously.
I just feel like you don’t know me enough. You can’t possibly like me. You haven’t seen all my flaws yet and haven't experienced whatever makes all the other guys leave. I don’t know why it’s so stressful for me and so difficult to comprehend that someone could actually like me. And like me for me.
You can be attracted to me, sure. But when that’s the only version of feelings I’ve come to know, is it crazy for me to think that’s all I’m worth and that will come out of talking romantically to someone? (maybe, a little.) It may be sad more than anything.
I’m currently trying to quell the fears of being unworthy to date by reminding myself not to self sabotage, enjoy the good moments, be careful of love bombing and trust the timing of my life.
additional content: how to cope with feeling unlovable
watch out for love bombing
Have you ever experienced someone giving you a ton of attention and affection early on into meeting them? They may shower you with compliments and love, only to ghost you or aggressively pull back all of a sudden. That scary phenomenon is love bombing.
Love bombing is described as “an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them,” according to WedMD.
WebMD’s Kristen Fischer writes that a new relationship affected by love bombing may unfold like a fairytale in the early stages with promises of a future together, excessive communication and wanting to be around you all the time before things take a shift.
“Over time, things will change. Your partner may become controlling, distant, cold, or even mean. You may wonder if their feelings were genuine. It’s common to feel distress over the change in behavior. This can lead to psychological problems or physical harm,” Fischer said.
This terrifies me. I don’t want to be love bombed, and I want any connections I have to be real and genuine. So I’m always extra careful to consider whether a man’s affection is authentic and well paced or rushed and fake.
But I also think it’s important to note that some people really do just move fast in dating and relationships. Some guys and girls fall hard and aren’t afraid to express themselves. I think what helps me is deciding if their words match their actions and making sure they’re not talking too big of a game.
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be mindful of self sabotage
Self sabotaging in the early stages of dating is when you let fears, past trauma, insecurities, etc. prevent you from being vulnerable and accepting the good things and fresh experiences that could come out of a new relationship with someone.
It’s extremely scary to start having feelings for someone new, especially if you’re having these feelings of thinking you’re unworthy to date. I’ve avoided new situations like the plague because I didn’t want to get hurt again, but I also realize I’ve probably missed out on a lot of genuine opportunities because of self sabotaging.
Try not to let your fears and insecurities block you from finding someone you like and nourishing that connection. Be brave enough to allow love in. I’m not always saying it’s going to work out. In fact, most of my talking stages don’t amount to anything meaningful. But that’s okay.
Sometimes having someone you like and that likes you back (even though it may not work out) is a way to prove that you are capable of dating. While it may or may not have gotten to that point yet in your life, it’s sometimes a reinforcement that you’re getting closer to finding the right person.
read more on self sabotaging: the battle between insecurities and self sabotage while dating
enjoy the good moments
On the flip side of things, I think you should make sure you enjoy the good moments. If he’s getting you flowers, chocolates and taking you out on nice dates, you should enjoy it, especially if you like this person. Count your blessings because you really do only live once.
But be cautious to a degree. You can enjoy the good moments, while also making sure that they’re appropriate gestures for how long you’ve been dating.
I feel like you can miss out on a lot if you’re not open to receiving affection. From personal experience, it’s a little hard for me to accept affection and words of affirmation because I’m not accustomed to it.
It’s a foreign area to me, so it is a learning process that I try to take week by week because I deserve the good moments. And so do you.
don’t let insecurities lead your love life
Insecurities can be a bitch. Don’t let them ruin your love life or any good things going for you. If you’re noticing that they are, try to acknowledge them and deal with them accordingly.
Sometimes your inner thoughts protect you against bad things happening, but other times they create problems and cause bad things to happen.
We all have insecurities. There’s no escaping them. But we really have to call them out if we want to be a more confident person. I may feel like I’m not worthy to date occasionally, but I have to tell myself that’s not true constantly. I have to continue to work on it, and I try to not let my fears completely block me from what could be.
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