how to stop waiting for closure you may never get

Closure after ending a relationship can sometimes feel like a scam because you’re always left craving another conversation and wanting to see them one more time. 

It feels good in the moment to talk to an ex or a talking stage one more time. It’s exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time.  

But closure doesn’t always happen. Sometimes you’ll internally chase the feeling of being healed. Wanting to close a chapter and be finally done with it is a normal desire. But if that doesn’t happen, you have to learn how to be okay with it.

You have to learn how to get your own closure within yourself, and you have to realize you don’t have to rely on someone else’s words or actions to move forward. 

“Closure is just as delusive – it is the false hope that we can deaden our living grief.”

― Stephen Grosz

why we crave closure and why you may never get it

A relationship ending with no explanation can be traumatic and confusing. The obvious reaction is to ask questions and try to get a clear understanding of what went wrong. 

PychCentral listed examples of closure as “getting answers to your questions, understanding why it happened, accepting the situation, being able to go extended time without thinking of the other person and learning from the situation and experiencing self-growth.”

It’s normal to chase closure hours, days, weeks, months, etc. after a breakup. 

When a relationship ends or you get broken up with, you may unintentionally try to make excuses for this person. You may think they’re going through a tough time, they don’t mean it, they love you but need you to fight for them, etc. 

It’s all easier than taking their words at face value. It’s easier to fill in the gaps instead of letting your brain accept how harsh the breakup feels. 

Wanting another conversation for closure gives you hope that they would change their mind, or that they’ll say the thing that finally lets you move on from them. 

At the end of the day, you may never get the closure you’re really craving. Your ex may decide they don’t want to have another talk or see you again, and they have that right. You both could implement a no contact rule after ending the relationship. 

Remember that no closure is closure. That means if you don’t receive a final conversation or any kind of explanation after a breakup, that is enough of a message to move on and give yourself the closure you need. 

On the other hand, you may have another conversation, but it doesn’t give you the necessary closure you were hoping for. Talking to your ex doesn’t equate to closure. It’s deeper than that, and sometimes you’ll never get that feeling.

That’s when you have to take matters in your own hand in your healing journey. 

how to give yourself closure

Instead of relying on closure from an ex, give yourself closure by focusing on your healing over their reasoning and relying on the reality of the relationship instead of fantasies.

You can and will move on without closure, and you’ll be a stronger, more healed person after the fact. Give yourself grace throughout the process, and remember your reasons for your desired growth and healing. 

“When you love yourself you will never need closure from any man.

That doesn't mean you didn't love him, it simply means you love yourself enough to realize God has a better plan for you that doesn't involve one more conversation that will remind you of that person's lack of respect for you.”

― Shannon L. Alder

Learn how to stop waiting for closure with these self love tips and moving on without closure quotes. 

rely on the reality of the relationship instead of fantasies 

After a breakup, it’s normal for your mind to reflect on the good and the bad in the relationship. There are ups and downs in any romantic situation, and you are doing yourself and your healing journey a disservice by focusing on only one. 

Have a healthy balance of reality in order to stop building scenarios in your head about them. 

So when you find yourself building scenarios and making up unrealistic fantasies in your head, try to spend as much time reminding yourself of your current situation without being mean or harsh to yourself. 

You can gently remind yourself that this person hurt or disrespected you in the past. You can also remind yourself what real love felt like or should feel like. 

Ask yourself and really be honest about if this is truly who brings out the best in you and if this person makes you feel comfortable to fall in love with again.

related content: how to stop fantasizing about a future with him

your healing is more important than their reasoning

It’s only natural to want to know the reason why your ex chose to end things, chose someone else or just why they aren't the right person for you.

It’s so tempting to try to fight for them and beg them to still want you. But it’s not your responsibility to reason or find out why they feel the way they do. 

Don’t let chasing after their reasoning become more important than your healing process. Don’t let wanting closure distract you from what really matters: self love. 

Walk away with your head held high, and remember you're worth more than this person is subduing you to. If they don’t see your worth and potential, they are not your person. 

Don’t ruin your peace by constantly reaching out. Fill in the blanks for yourself if you need to, and find the closure within yourself.

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go.

It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

― Ellen Goodman

related content: reminders for the days you want to reach out to your ex again

what to do when closure doesn’t go as planned

There will be plenty of times when someone you’ve dated agrees to a last conversation or last meeting to provide closure for both of you.

It may feel good and optimistic to know the conversation might lead to better healing and progression in your journey. Or it could feel scary and anxiety-inducing to be around or talk to someone who’s caused you a lot of pain. 

Either way, it’s good to keep your expectations open. Don’t overthink or have too much hope in the meeting. You don’t want to set yourself up for failure or put too much pressure on how it goes. 

You may not get the answers you’re looking for. Your ex may have a harsh demeanor, regardless of your emotions and attitude. You could leave with more questions than answers. 

The options are endless when it comes to how closure will actually go, and it often doesn’t end up how we plan. You have to find a way to be okay with it if things go unexpectedly.

When closure doesn’t go as planned, remember that you gave it a real effort. Know that you had pure intentions, and things in life don’t always go as expected. Don’t blame yourself, and don’t try to set up another conversation or meeting with your ex immediately. 

Reflect on what went wrong without fully placing blame on your or them. Try not to move on from the conversation with anger or regret. 

You keep chasing closure when you think another meeting will help or change things. When you let go of needing more closure, you free yourself from placing pressure on the perfect conversation. 

“Sometimes the door closes on a relationship, not because we failed but because something bigger than us says this no longer fits our life. So, lock the door, shed a tear, turn around and look for the new door that's opened. 

― Lee Goff

additional content: affirmations for detachment and letting go