how to decenter men from your life

May 4

Written By S

I can be boy obsessed.

I can let them control my feelings and emotions to my own detriment. I’m just a girl, and it’s fun to have a little crush or man in your life. But It’s not fun letting them have a lot of power and access over you.

As women, some of us (me included) can tend to center them in little ways around your life and put an unnecessary focus on them.

This guy I’ve been talking to and been on a couple dates with had to go on a monthlong work trip this week, and maybe I’m freaking out a little? We went from him courting me and being more into me, while texting throughout the day and making plans, to almost radio silence. He says it’s because he’s busy, but I can’t help but overthink.

It’s hard to relax and just vibe, but part of the problem stems from me putting so much emphasis on men in my life. Because I’m single (and am interested in serious dating), I feel this pressure to keep moving and work toward something with someone.

But that’s not very healthy because it makes me feel frustrated when I don’t have something going on despite trying, or it makes me feel like a loser that I can’t find one person that actually wants to go on a date with me. And you don’t always need to be talking or dating a man. But it’s nice sometimes.

I have all this pressure and feelings about men and dating, but I feel the most peaceful and satisfied when I’m content with being single and not looking for anyone. So if you want to feel peaceful and satisfied, you know what to do ladies: decenter men from your life!

Centering men in my life feels like an addiction or obsession to me. This person turns into something I need to have and something I can’t live without. I feel so impulsive sometimes, like I need to text, call or see them right then and there.

And if and when I don’t get a quick enough response or the ability to see them, I crash out so hard. I have a meltdown sometimes, or I get upset, angry, jealous, etc. and lead myself into a rumination of negative thoughts on why I’m not good enough to respond to. I tend to ignore all the warning signs and focus on doing what my emotions tell me to do. (If you feel addicted to someone, read more here.)

Now that we all agree that decentering men is the right way to go, let’s breakdown some ways to do just that:

stop searching for men when you go out

When I’m going out with my friends to a rooftop bar, a club, a lounge, etc., we tend to think about boys and hope that someone cute will buy us a drink or get our number.

And then on the other side, my friends who are in relationships tend to want to go out less and associate being out and having fun as something taken, committed people can’t do. Why do we do that? We can have fun in the club or out late with our friends without centering it around men and their actions.

There’s a TikTok video that went viral of a woman going out for a solo dinner date (which I love the idea!) But she was looking around the whole time and mentioned how she was looking for someone that would notice her and pay the bill. Don’t do that or obsess over what men can do for you.

Now let me tell you something, I hateee paying for things and love when a man pays for me (because duh, you should). But at the same time, once you stop looking at getting men to pay for you as a win, and you paying as a loss, is when we really start breaking this mold.

And I’ll repeat it again to really drive this home: I love and want men to have me covered when I go out. But at the same time, there’s this relief and lightness that comes with handling yourself and not expecting anything. It takes off the stress, and more importantly decenters these men from your life in a financial and social standpoint.

It also minimizes men making it awkward between you and your friends. I feel like sometimes there can be a level of awkwardness or comparison between a friend group when multiple people like a guy, or someone feels like they haven’t gotten much attention compared to everyone else. But when you commit to having a good time outside with your girls, some of that goes away.

stop thinking about & stalking them 24/7

Men do not have to live in your head rent free. I try to remind myself to stop letting them have so much control over my thoughts. It’s hard to completely stop thinking about men, especially the ones that you have history with. But it’s possible to lessen those thoughts and take back some control.

Two things that really get me is: daydreaming about men before bed and stalking them on social media.

I love a good daydream before bed and oftentimes the main love interest in my blockbuster film is someone I shouldn't be obsessing over or constantly thinking about. When you have those moments when you snap out of it and realize you’ve been thinking about someone for several minutes, take the effort to think about something else instead of going right back to your fantasies.

And like I said, when it comes to social media, I love stalking an ex. I want to know what you're up to. I want to know what you've posted. I want to know who your friends are, who you're talking to, who you're following, all of it. But that only causes you to obsess and center them in your everyday habits, such as in your thoughts and while scrolling through social media.

While the curiosity of stalking a man on social media brings temporary satisfaction, it can lead to discovering unwanted information and leave you more upset. You may feel drawn to knowing all aspects of the other person's life. But it isn’t worth it to stalk them on social media -- trust me.

Try to decenter men by limiting their presence on your phone and mind. I’m not saying cut them off for no reason, but the extra amount of time you spend interacting with their social media pages and posts isn't necessary.

prioritize self care and solo dates

When you’re on this journey to decenter men in your life, it can get lonely without dates and attention from just anybody. But I want you to put that extra time and energy into self care and activities that you can do with yourself. Whether it’s beauty self care ideas or fun self care activities, there are plenty of ideas to really focus on yourself and your body’s needs.

Try a spa day at home, where you can bring out the face masks, steamers and a cozy robe to treat yourself. Maybe go all out and make a trip to Sephora or Walmart to get some essentials and set your phone on do not disturb to really take a trip away from reality.

You can also learn something creative. Try painting, pottery or photography. Perhaps take a new jewelry making or cooking class. There are so many creative outlets you can try.

If you are really missing that date aspect that comes with men, take yourself out on a solo date to a movie, cafe, museum, nature walk, etc. The options are truly endless and depend on what you like. Check out more self care activity ideas here.

set boundaries with your time & what you allow

Boundaries are physical and emotional limits you set with yourself or with other people to limit actions that you allow in your life. Learning to set clear boundaries with men is important for improving self worth, learning how to stand up for yourself and decentering men.

I want you to remember that setting boundaries within your relationships and with yourself is normal and a part of life. Don’t feel like it’s a bad or scary thing.

We all should keep boundaries in place, so we don’t accept the bare minimum or allow people to walk all over us. I’ve had this one man (who will be the end of me, I swear) tell me that I change my mind so much when I cut him off, he knows telling me he “misses me” will make me act on it, and that I’m always back cool with him after we fallout.

By decentering this man in my life, I’m able to place physical, sexual and emotional boundaries in place between us and let go of the anxiety or what ifs that come if he doesn’t respect my boundaries.

If he doesn’t see value in me and respect me enough to follow the boundaries we put in place, he’s not for me and that’s okay! I’m okay with the consequences because I know that I’ll be perfectly fine and comfortable without a man in my life.

if all else fails, go no contact

Now if you’ve done all this and still find yourself being pulled toward certain men, you can always take that extra step and go no contact. The method of using the no contact rule to move on is something I’ve done in multiple occasions throughout the past few years because it’s effective and allows for me to gradually stop thinking so much about someone.

I’m not always the best at it and have found myself breaking the rule when I miss that person, but it’s the effort and intention that reinforces my desire to remove this person, alongside the thoughts and memories of them, from my life and mind.

check out the full guide on how to go no contact and tips to survive it