how to accept he’s just not that into you & get hotter instead
Ugh. I hate dating. I hate questioning if a guy likes me. I hate playing games and trying to get them to like me. I hate the feeling of them pulling away when you start to like them.
It all sucks, but I do know dating shouldn’t feel this hard when a guy really likes (and wants!) you. But it can be so hard to tell if a guy actually likes you, and it’s even harder to deal with if he starts losing feelings for you.
To me, there are situations that just don’t make sense and never will when it comes to dating.
For example, at my age, I’ve learned:
Someone can love you and that not be enough.
Someone can like you and not want a relationship with you.
Someone can want you and not want to put the effort in.
Someone can be intentional and not like you.
Someone can love you and not have the emotional capacity to be with you.
Someone can say they like you but just not be that into you.
Although you can’t control how someone treats you, you can control how you react and what you will do going forward.
So here’s how to accept when a guy (or girl!) just isn’t that into you and how you can move on accordingly.
step #1: remind yourself of the inconsistencies & red flags.
Whenever I’m in my early stages of heartbreak or trying to process a guy ending things, I immediately reminisce and cry about the good times and what I feel like I’m missing out on.
It can feel like you’re never going to get over it or find someone better. It can feel like someone punched you in the heart, and your nervous system can feel like it’s going in shock.
It’s important to remember that this person wasn’t perfect. You have to remind yourself of the bad moments and red flags they have too.
It’s easy to be sad about who you’re losing and all the love you shared. But do yourself a serious favor by allowing yourself to think about the negatives too.
If it came as a shock to you and everything seemed perfect, it can be harder to think of the bad moments between you two. But know that ending things with you was enough of a red flag in itself.
step #2: their reason doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter the reasoning. Let me repeat that: It does NOT matter what reason this person is giving you for not wanting to be with you.
I’ve spent sooo much time trying to decipher what a text message or a phrase they said means. I’ve tried to decode what they’re really trying to say. I’ve manipulated their words to fit my narrative and feed my delusions.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is decenter the why. Why aren’t they so into you that they treat you like a princess and foster a relationship? I have no idea. But forget their reasonings and focus on what you do deserve.
You deserve someone to consistently express their love and desire for you. You are someone’s dream girl, and they should be making you feel like it every day.
Unless it’s a serious, temporary reason they aren’t making you feel desired, it doesn’t really matter the reason.
step #3: take them at their word.
I’m so delusional. Soo delusional. Unfortunately, delusion can make me hear what I want to hear.
For example, if I hear “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” I might hear “I like you a lot, we’re just moving a little too fast. Let’s revisit this later.”
And I will revisit it later. Over and over again.
But that’s not what he meant. And sometimes you have to take off the rose-colored glasses and take them at their word. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship, believe him and accept that he may never be ready for you.
Who knows what they mean when they say things? Maybe he would be ready for a relationship with you in a couple months, but I think he would’ve made that clear and said that. Sometimes guys are vague on purpose to keep you holding on, but it’s rude and manipulative.
Believe their words, and believe their actions.
additional content: why unrequited love hurts so much and how to heal
step #4: decenter their role in your life.
Chances are this person is someone important in your life. My ex was really one of my best friends. We did so much together, especially in the beginning. So I know how it can feel to suddenly lose this person.
Decentering this boycan help you accept that things aren’t actually meant to be. Sometimes you need to go no contact or to step a few steps back to see the situation, and this person, for what it really is.
Try not to constantly stalk them, obsess over what they’re doing or thinking, reach out to check in or constantly tell them your feelings they already know, etc.
As you decenter him and find yourself with all this extra time and energy, I want you to put that time into self care and activities that you can do with yourself, friends or family.
Spend time on things that you’ve been meaning to do, and invest in a new hobby, schedule, lifestyle, etc. Spend energy on things that make you feel good and that don’t constantly remind you of them.
read more like this: how to decenter men from your life
step #5: don’t expect or wait for them to come around.
They always say guys always come back, and they respond to silence better.
The truth is I’ve experienced both of those, but I will say it’s not going to happen with every situation.
You shouldn’t expect to rekindle things. And you shouldn’t expect them to realize they made a mistake and change their mind.
It may feel good to think that in the beginning, but I also don’t want you to get stuck in that thought pattern. It can hurt more later when the realization that they are moving on hits.
It’s important to keep yourself honest about the situation, and do the really hard thing of letting yourself move on. Let yourself feel the emotions and start the healing process. Healing isn’t linear, and it will have setbacks. But remind yourself that you deserve grace.
read additional content here: how to decenter men from your life
step #6: become obsessed with the glow-up
The glow-up is the best part of a breakup or heartbreak. It may take a while to feel up for bettering yourself. Those first days or weeks may be filled with wine and takeout. But at some point, you really do start to feel like you can handle a little more.
In those moments, I encourage you to push yourself to explore how you can grow from this experience. Life is full of lessons and experiences, and I want you to take something good away from having your heart broken.
Someone out in the world who hurt you doesn’t get to feel good about their decision. Show them how much better you can get, and how much more confident in yourself you can be. Show them how the person they hurt isn’t the same person you’re becoming.
It feels good knowing you’re getting hotter by improving your health, body, mind and spirit, while they’re just stuck in the same place you left them (or at least tell yourself they’re stuck, or even getting grosser!)
To be completely honest with you, one of the reasons this works so well for moving on is because it’s a distraction. A damn good one too.
I know it hurts. You may end up working out in between tears, or taking an hour to gather up the strength to go out with your friends. But remember to take baby steps, and remember you deserve to feel better than you did when you first met this person.
read more on this: how to raise your standards with yourself
