tips to stop needing reassurance while dating
I have an anxious attachment style, which means I worry, stress and overthink at the slightest tone or vibe switch.
If I notice someone’s actions or words toward me change, I get in my head. That could be them taking longer to respond to texts, acting more quiet around me, or even not being as affectionate towards me.
Trauma, sudden breakups in the past and an anxious attachment style are just some of the possible contributing factors to needing a little extra reassurance.
If you constantly feel unsure about where you stand with someone you’re dating or question whether your partner still truly likes you, you’re in the right place.
We’re going to explore what needing extra reassurance looks like, tips to stop needing constant reassurance and signs that it’s gone beyond needing reassurance into breakup territory.
similar content: quotes for those of us with an anxious attachment style
what needing extra reassurance looks like
Needing extra reassurance can look like asking “do you still like me” or initiating the same conversation about where you two stand.
It could also look like chasing or being clingy toward a partner, when you notice them pulling away or being a little distant.
Extra reassurance could mean requiring validation, including verbal, physical and emotional validation, in order for you to feel like you’re both in a good place in the relationship.
It might look like needing your partner to reaffirm their love and attraction for you over and over again when you start to doubt things in your head.
It can be very exhausting to constantly need reassurance and probe for that comfort. When you don’t feel reassured, your nervous system can go haywire, leaving you overwhelmed and anxious.
It is your partner’s responsibility to make you feel reassured, but you should do some reflection if your needs aren’t being met. That could be a result of your partner not making you feel safe, your past making it impossible for you to trust, or a combination of multiple factors.
Next, I want to explore the signs of your relationship going beyond needing reassurance, and when it’s time to break up with your partner instead.
when it goes beyond needing reassurance & you need to break up instead
So are you overthinking or are they actually pulling away?
If you’re initiating the same conversations because nothing is changing in your relationship, I think that’s a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore.
Your partner shouldn’t make you feel constantly crazy or paranoid. They also shouldn’t gaslight you into thinking you’re being dramatic for bringing up issues.
These tips are for situations where your partner is consistently showing up for you, but your own fears, insecurities or past experiences are making it difficult to feel secure in the relationship.
Men (and women) disappear sometimes. They go hot and cold. They gaslight you. They make you feel like you need reassurance to make sure y’all are still okay.
If they won’t tell you where you stand with them, end it.
If they’re inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, end it.
If you feel like you’re lowering your standards or always feel insecure when you’re with them, end it.
how to stop overthinking & seeking reassurance while dating
tip #1 prioritize their actions over their words
We put so much weight into what a guy tells us. We want to hear they like us, they want us to meet their friends, they think we’re beautiful, they want a relationship with us, they want to marry us, etc.
In all my years as a woman, I’ve learned pretty quickly how easy it is for men to lie or lead women on.
I’m not saying that all men are liars and you shouldn’t trust your partner. But I am saying you have to make sure what they’re saying is aligning with their actions.
If they say they want commitment, are they making obvious moves to get to a relationship with you, as in planning dates, courting you, giving you an official title, etc?
If your partner says he wants you to meet his family, is he actually making plans and telling his family about you?
If he says he’s loyal and only wants you, is he staring at other women when you’re out, liking random instagram photos of other women, or flirting with other people online?
When your partner is proving his intentions through what he is and isn’t doing, it becomes easier to trust his words.
When you prioritize his actions over wanting to hear that he’s not cheating, still loves you, wants to improve the relationship etc., you won’t need as much reassurance.
Or the reassurance will be given through his daily actions, instead of having to push for a response that may or may not be genuine.
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#2 distract yourself during long silences
It’s time to stop staring at your phone when you're waiting for a response.
One of my biggest problems is getting in my head when someone I’m dating isn’t responding quickly enough or times when it’s been hours (or days) since I’ve talked to them.
I overthink in the silence, and then I overthink about why I’m overthinking.
The best advice I can give you is to distract yourself when you’re overthinking during those moments you’re not in contact.
If you’re getting anxious waiting for their response after sending a vulnerable text, go take a shower, clean your apartment, put your phone away, read a book, watch a movie, etc.
If you haven’t talked to him all day, but he’s out posting on his story, make a new playlist, do a spa day at home, go on a solo date, etc.
If you’re debating whether you should text him for the third time this week about feeling insecure in the relationship, cook a gourmet meal, go to the gym, call one of your friends, spend time in nature, etc.
more ideas: self care activities for grown women
tip #3 challenge your thoughts before you bring them up
If something is bothering you that you want to seek reassurance about, you should first challenge if the thought is true.
For example, if you think your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore, think about recent evidence that made you question this first instead of jumping to ask him about it.
Has he not told you that you look beautiful recently? Have the two of you been less intimate lately? Has he not complimented you recently?
Now, take some time to challenge those thoughts and calm your nervous system.
Remind yourself that you are beautiful, and remember the past times he’s told you that, even if it’s been longer than ideal.
Consider possible reasons that have made it so you haven’t been as physically close recently, such as work stress, busy schedules or simply not being in the mood.
You know the level of severity of things that are bothering you, and these things should be brought up if you’re having doubts or questions about your partner’s feelings.
But make sure that the thoughts aren’t coming from a place of insecurity or overthinking. Make sure the thoughts can’t be disproved with some intentional thinking.
read more like this: self love tips for people who overthink everything
tip #4 learn to sit with uncertainty
Getting reassurance after moments of anxiety feels so good.
It’s a release from your overthinking and dissecting what every word or action means.
But once you receive that relief, you’ll constantly chase that feeling.
Of course, it feels amazing to receive validation from someone you’re dating or in a relationship with. But you’re not always going to feel validated and confident during every moment in the relationship.
It can irritate your partner and, more importantly, become uncomfortable for you to not be able to feel confident in a relationship without hearing validation and reassurance all the time.
Learning how to sit with the uncertainty of it all can help you self-soothe in the moment, while relieving some of the pressure over time.
additional content: journal prompts to deal with mixed signals and confusion
