three things that surprised me in my first relationship

The day has come for something I never thought I’d say: I’m a girlfriend. 

It’s insane. I really was losing doubt that it would ever happen because of my unfortunate history with boys and being rejected. But here we are. 

I’ve also constantly had emotions of feeling unlovable and undesirable. It’s had a negative impact on my self love and one of the main reasons I started this blog. 

While it’s very exciting and new to be in a relationship with a man I really do like, it’s a little weird and foreign to me. I’m trying to unlearn bad habits and patterns, learn how to be communicative and present, reassure and show him how much he means to me and stay grounded in my other obligations and relationships. 

Balancing is hard.

Having a man immediately took away so much of my free time. And I really love my free time. I’m so fearful of being the girl who doesn’t spend time with their friends after getting a boyfriend, so I try to spend as much time as I can with them. 

I’ve already had to pull out of my friend’s upcoming housewarming because I’m traveling to meet his family this weekend. I’ve had to say no to going out spontaneously and other fun things with my friends because of being in a relationship. 

It bothers me that I can’t be there for my friends whenever, but I’m also trying to come to terms with being in a relationship being a time commitment and taking up some of my schedule. But what I try to do is suggest other hangout times and be proactive with planning hangouts. 

For example, one of my friends asked if I wanted to go out Saturday night, but I had plans to grab dinner with my boyfriend that night and stay over his place. Although I had to decline, I asked if she wanted to grab lunch or something on Monday, which I did.

Balancing is very important to me at the start of this relationship. I want to make sure I have time for my work, hobbies, working out, friendships and family.

Sometimes things are compromised. I feel like I’ve done a really bad job of being in the gym lately, and my birthday is coming up. So I will have to start putting more focus on that this month and trying to make that fit in my schedule because it’s important to me.

additional content: how to decenter men from your life

Men have insecurities too.

Another thing that I wasn’t thinking about beforehand is handling and caring for someone else’s insecurities. I have plenty of my own, believe me. But I didn’t consider that I would be responsible for (and of course want to!) make my partner feel safe and secure in the relationship and himself. 

Guys have insecurities too. They’re just as insecure about their bodies and how the other person feels about them. I want my man to feel confident in himself and feel confident in the relationship. 

That may look like me hyping him up when he looks good. Or maybe it’s sharing my location and answering all the questions he may have about what I’m doing and who I’m hanging out with. 

I think it crosses a line if he’s being overly demanding and controlling, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me reassuring him and making him feel good. I know how much it helps me and my insecurities to hear certain things, so of course I want him to feel good and help him as well. 

additional content: the battle between insecurities and self sabotage while dating

Cutting people off can be weird.

I feel like no one talks about this, and I’m going to be completely honest. It’s not easy for me to cut past boys off that I’m in good standing with. 

I always imagined getting into a relationship or being involved with a boy and telling other men who’ve done me dirty “f you. I’ve found someone better, and you’re going to miss me so much. Have fun suffering!”

Maybe not in those words! But the sentiment is the same. You didn’t want me in the past, and now I have this great person who does and loves me. Who wouldn’t want to flaunt that to your exes and past situationships?

What I didn’t anticipate is being in a place where I don’t hate my “exes,” and I don’t even feel like talking to them, let alone shoving it in their face. We love a healed heart, don’t get me wrong. But why did I expect to just forever be left alone? I know I have men that like to spin the block, so when they did, why was I so surprised or didn’t know how to act? 

It’s just an awkward situation and an uncomfortable conversation. This very much is all in my head. But if it’s all in my head, then at least a few other people must feel similarly too. So if that’s you, you’re not alone. It’s fun to move on — just a weird convo!

additional content: how to express your feelings when you’re scared